Spooky season has officially arrived, as Spirit Halloween stores are once again moving into the old Best Buy at your local shopping center.
But, as I scoured the Spirit website, I noticed an utter lack of ingenuity in the selection offered by the Halloween juggernaut. Do my options for dressing up this October really come down to a bag of Hot Cheetos or Ted Lasso?
It feels as if Spirit has officially sold out Halloween to films whose poor box office sales have forced them to market a line of costumes to my capitalistically-trained brain. But, am I really going to purchase a $40 “Space Jam: A New Legacy” costume just to make LeBron feel better about never living up to Jordan’s legacy? I think not.
Therefore, I have compiled a list of several costumes that’ll be sure to make you the scorn of the bar, as the bouncer escorts you out after your sixth Vodka Red Bull.
1. Functioning male adult
Alright fellas, so you’ve finally decided to retire the pirate costume you’ve been wearing the past three years. As someone in a similar position, I’ve decided that my friends and I are going to try something really scary this year: growing the fuck up.
Just imagine the terror on your friend’s face when you tell them you can’t watch football for eight hours on Sunday because you’re taking your girlfriend to brunch. Terrifying.
Now for my single guys out there, the costume only gets scarier. It means texting girls at 3 p.m. instead of a.m., washing your sheets every two weeks instead of once a semester and throwing away your ZYN tins instead of poorly staggering them on your walls like some fraternal modern art. So, if you’re looking to scare the hell out of your boys this Halloween, the “Functioning Male Adult” is the costume for you.
2. The pantsuit
Let’s be real ladies, the schoolgirl costume is past its prime and starting to feel a little played out, making “The Pantsuit” this season’s marquee costume, encapsulating the professionalism and respect commanded by women working in corporate America.
This costume comes equipped with everything — a three piece suit that is two sizes too big, a briefcase with a broken lock and being single at 30. Available in colors “Key-Lime Pie,” “Blue Gatorade,” and of course “Easter Pink,” this costume is sure to have everyone wondering, “What’s Hillary Clinton doing at this party?”
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3. Sober in front of campus police
This is my personal favorite and likely the most fear-inducing on this list. This costume is easily the most difficult to pull off as it requires a drunk student to not only evade the campus police all together, but should they be caught, act as if their booze-soaked costume does not match their drunken mental state.
This costume can be taken to the next level by memorizing both the alphabet backwards and mastering the art of walking in a straight line. Overall, this costume is for anyone who wants to skip the tether and throw themselves into a live action horror movie.
With these three costumes, you should be able to shut down State Street as you stumble your way through Madison’s spookiest night of the year.