Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

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Satire: BRAVE: Local man has no opinion

Someone had to speak neither up nor down
Thomas+continues+on+his+business%2C+neither+agreeing+nor+disagreeing+with+local+protestors
Thomas continues on his business, neither agreeing nor disagreeing with local protestors

In an increasingly politically polarized time in our country, one stoic local man has chosen to stake down a fence to sit on, and has proclaimed he will die on the hill that the fence is on top of. Metaphorically of course, as a real man dying on a hill would be a news piece more suited for the opinion section. 

Thomas “Big Boss” Bupropion is a sophomore studying political science and expresses his beliefs with acceptable volume and moderate confidence.

“I don’t really know if I have an objective view of any situation, y’know?” Bupropion said. “It’s like a war, y’know, it must be a real struggle.”

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Taken not quite aback but not quite aforward by the man’s blatant neutrality, we tried to press him with hard questions about hot button topics to see if we could learn more of his world view.

Big Boss panics as he realizes there are multiple food choices at a friend’s birthday party

“Y’know, healthcare is a good and important human right, but what about the important part of the economy that is our healthcare system? The insurance companies would lose a lot of low to mid level jobs.”

Unsure if his point was clear he would continue dryly.

“How would those jobless people pay for healthcare if they get sick? I’m just not sure if there is a right way forward there”

While many students have chosen to take a side on Big Boss’s neutrality, most of the students we reached out to were excited to inform us that they don’t care. We here at the Badger Herald have no official stance on Bupropion, aside from our disappointment in the lack of useful or exciting University of Wisconsin related news to cover.

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