Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.
In the years since the 2020 election, Americans have begun — rightfully — to grow fearful of close elections, electoral fraud, and democracy in general. To address this, in a move aiming to bring much less confrontation and more clarity to the process of selecting our leadership, the U.S. legislative branch has unanimously voted to decide this year’s presidential election through a clean, three-judge panel dance competition.
As candidates Joe Biden and Donald Trump square up for their fateful rematch in the coming November, they will be busting moves in front of famed record producer and ethical businessman Simon Cowell, health influencer Gwyneth Paltrow and — in a good faith attempt at maintaining cultural representation — the hologram of iconic rapper-actor Tupac Shakur in its first appearance since Snoop Dogg’s 2012 Coachella performance.
“We believe that the democratic process was perfected many years ago on America’s Got Talent, and it’s time to use their example to modernize American politics,” said Speaker of the House Mike Johnson in an interview with another newspaper which actually had access to high profile political figures I found online.
“We believe our guy has the moves to get the battle back, Donald has been reaching the youth for a long time with his swagger, and we have been working with top dance instructors to make sure he can pop and lock in any rhythm or time signature,” Johnson said.
Biden however, is greatly confident in his own kinesthetic grace.
“These guys don’t know anything forealforeal, popping and locking hasn’t been hip since Old Town Road was bussin’ on the Tok,” said Biden before hitting the road back to Washington on his Harley Hog. “I break out the classics, I move like a tight velour quilt over the silk sheets in a penthouse suite. I don’t even know where I am. My mind is too focused on the moves.”
As the election dance-off nears closer, stick with the Badger Herald for all your up to date, insider election information and the insights the top minds the university undergrads have to offer.
