Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald


Alternatives to caffeine to up your finals game 💪

Caffeine not cutting it for finals week? Try cocaine!
Erik Brown

Disclaimer: The Badger Herald does not encourage drug use

My sleep-deprived, barely-functional brain, that knows very little about the things I am supposed to, knows one thing — caffeine is not optional, it is a necessity. And what’s more? It doesn’t work.

My body is so accustomed to the siphoning of caffeine into it, it doesn’t even register it should be used to keep me awake. Throwing back a Snorkel at Chasers at 1 a.m. won’t stop me from passing the fuck out in my bed 30 minutes later.


I drank 600 mg of caffeine a few days ago, and you know what it did? It took five years off of my life and made me shit my pants. It sure as hell didn’t keep my eyes open (or help me convince my friends that, I promise, I’m okay).

Caffeine is a drug. An addictive one. It has become so commonplace to have a caffeine addiction in the U.S. that we hardly recognize it as the substance abuse it is. And let’s keep it that way! On to the upgrades!

Have you ever tried Adderall?? Energy AND focus?? LET’S GOOO.

Unfortunately for the suckers like me, Adderall is a prescription drug. Meaning even if I DID get prescribed, I would have to carve out two hours of each month to wait in the fucking East Campus Mall Walgreens line just to get my study buddies. When faced with a problem, sometimes the solution is looking you right in the face and you just have to open your eyes to see it.

BREAKING: Walgreens becomes drug front amid Target’s success

Everybody knows that between school, work, clubs and blacking out three times a week, there’s no time for sleep. So how can you revive yourself from your burned-out rut and get your body in turbo-mode 24/7? Easy. The foolproof way to stay awake and have a good time — COCAINE!!!!!

WOOOOOOOHHHOOOOOOOO!!!!! A couple lines in the morning, a few for lunch and a big ol’ helping before you lock yourself into the Memorial Library cage at night  cocaine is the easiest way to be productive and skinny.

While it might not be the most budget-friendly option, think about how much money you’d be saving without those $7 Starbucks coffees. In my book, I’d say the savings most definitely outweigh the cost.

It’s not even that cold: Take the parkas off

Now, I know some people (derogatory) don’t like engaging in activities that could potentially land them a federal offense. (Again, easy solution here  LEGALIZE COCAINE). For this crowd, I would recommend using your body’s natural means for energy.

Sure, you could work out for a boost of energy and “endorphins make you happy” yeah yeah yeah, but who’s actually trying to wake up even EARLIER to go stand next to a bunch of sweaty heathens at the Nick?

What I propose is something much simpler, much more exciting. Ever heard of fight-or-flight? While I’m no science girl, I do know that going into fight-or-flight jacks your body up with some crazy chemicals. How can you simulate a fight-or-flight scenario into your daily routine? Simple.

  • Take a lovely stroll as far down South Park Street as you can with your purse in the middle of the night.
  • Hang out in Peace Park on the reg so you can be right in the middle of the action for which you may or may not get a WiscAlert.
  • There’s occasionally a good street fight on State Street. Find a friend in the Hub whose window you can watch from so that you’re ready to jump in on the action any given moment. If none of your friends live off of daddy’s money, the Brats patio is also a viable option.

And finally, for the introverts — what do you need to be awake for anyway if you’re not socializing?

Sure, caffeine may work a little better if we all had a little more sleep. Maybe a few vegetables in our system and a nice call with our grandparents every once in a while. But this is college. There is no place for a “healthy” or “sustainable” lifestyle here. And more sleep is sure as HELL not going to get us back to the #1 party school. So find a man on the street, pick a fight or get his plug and do your homework.

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