Ah, fall. The season of University of Wisconsin students’ favorite things — Halloween, football and… parkas?

It’s no secret that fall in the Midwest is absolutely unmatched when it comes to random fluctuations in weather.

You can wake up to a rainstorm and 40-degree weather and end up sweating a few hours later when it warms up to 65 and sunny.

So, my question to you is, why are you wearing a parka??

The people wearing parkas when it’s above 40 degrees are the same people who wear sweatshirts in the summer. They’re the same people who unsolicitedly touch your neck and say “FEEL HOW COLD MY HANDS ARE!!”

They’re the same people who bring two suitcases on a weekend trip because they used to be a Boy Scout and take the “be prepared” motto a little too seriously. One of those suitcases is only for the parka.

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Don’t get me wrong, I’m looking forward to winter as much as everybody else, but take the parka off.

It is not yet the time of year when we should walk into a lecture hall to be greeted with the unzipping of 150 parkas. You look like a fool, and you sound like one too.

I can hear your sleeves crinkling. I can hear you unzipping your parka when you realize you’ve made a terrible mistake. I can see you struggling to take it off without breaking stride, almost dropping your backpack in the middle of University Ave and confusing the poor little Starship robots who are just trying to cross the street.

How rude of you to bother the Starship robots. Their day is hard enough. You’re embarrassing yourself.

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Wearing a parka before it’s actually cold out is like wearing a sign around your neck that says in all caps “I’m from the South.” And as someone from Virginia, I should not have to tell you that being from the South is not something to brag about.

Suck it up, put a flannel over your hoodie and pretend to be warm enough like everyone else. If Badger football fans can roll up to games wearing nothing but body paint from the waist up, you can leave the parka at home for a few more weeks.

Also, I’ve been hearing rumors of a winter 2022 polar vortex this year?! How do y’all expect to get through that if you’re wearing a parka in 40-plus degree weather?! Will you wear two of them?? A small parka with a bigger one on top?? Are you willing to look like a marshmallow made of synthetic down filling?? Couldn’t be me.

At the end of the day, wearing a parka during fall makes you look like you sleep wearing socks. It makes you look like you order hot coffee when it’s 80 degrees out. It makes you look like you keep your mask on when you’re alone outside, simply because your nose gets too cold to take it off.

I’ve done all of these things, but do you know what I also did this year? I got through the entire month of October without putting on my damn parka.