You’re given five minutes of shameless, anonymous freedom – what will you do with it?

Oh yeah baby, you’re the first one here. You’re so studious you came early to your online class. Ha, nerd! I bet your GPA is super high, too! And that you’ll graduate on time, debt-free! Ha! Good luck with all that success! (Help me, I am so behind in coursework.)

Anyway, what are you rewarded with for attending class so early? Muted microphones, gray boxes where students are supposed to be and five sweet, sweet minutes to do whatever you’d like. So, what do ya wanna do with it? Twiddle your thumbs? Review what you learned last week? Nah, we did that last time! Let’s spice it up a bit.

Carve a pumpkin. You only need a few minutes to carve a perfectly round, realistic hole. For uh, you know, a jack-o-lantern’s mouth! Happy Hump – I mean, Halloween, kids!

Football and covid and orgies, oh my!COVID, quarantine, in-person football — is one of these things not like the other? Nope. They all belong in the Read…

Get into a heated argument with your roommate. This should come completely naturally and with absolutely no warning. Bring up the dishes from last week – they looked a little too dry after they were washed. You don’t want to eat off a dry, parched dish, now do you? Go yell at your roommate to dry your dishes a little less next time, and then cap off the yelling at five minutes with an Irish goodbye. Look at you, keepin’ the group morale high!

Create a change.org petition to abolish all apples except Honeycrisp. Johnny Appleseed might not be totally on board, but you’ve definitely got my signature!

2020 time capsule projected to be hot messOh yeah baby, a time capsule. Sexy AND timeless. I’m sure there’s lots of great things we could brainstorm to Read…

Panic reply to that text you’ve left sitting on readfor a week. How many times is so sorry I opened this, meant to respond and forgot going to cut it?

Panic reword that text you’ve been meaning to send all week. No one cares about correct preposition use, just hit send, goddammit.

Communicate telepathically with your class crush. This is a personal favorite. If you stare hard enough at their Zoom box, maybe, just maybe, they’ll feel it, too. If you’re lucky, their Zoom box will end up right beside yours. It’s almost like a virtual kiss! Don’t look over there too often, you’ll strain your eyes. My glasses prescription was actually just upped recently, which is in no way connected to me staring intensely at my class crush! I just, uh, read a lot of books!

Can’t BS anymore? Six discussion post responses to wow your classmatesOh, our beloved discussion posts. How I truly treasure reading through my peer’s ideas and responding to at least two Read…

Jesus Christ, talk to your teacher, I guess. You can be the suck-up for one day. Sure, your entire class will roll their eyes when you utter the words, “how was your weekend, professor/TA/person who really needs to learn how to use technology?” But the folks who teach us need human interaction, too.

Hold in your pee. Don’t you dare gobefore class.Save your trip to the whiz palace for when your lecture is really boring, and if you really wanna spice things up a bit, “accidentally” unmute your mic. And maybe start your camera, too. Pornhub subscriptions can be expensive, do your classmates a favor.

Well, which one tickled your fancy the most? I suppose I will never know, as I will be five minutes early to Zoom class, staring at the same blank screen and muted mics as you will be. I can only surmise what you will be up to – carving a pumpkin with a suspiciously specifically sized hole? Or will you be staring at my Zoom box, trying to communicate your crush to me? If so, my Twitter DM’s are open @casasouras. See ya soon, mystery man.