COVID, quarantine, in-person football — is one of these things not like the other? Nope. They all belong in the University of Wisconsin’s smartly, restartly fall semester!

That’s right, folks. The University decided to mandate quarantines after seeing high COVID spikes AND have sports. It’s the best of both worlds! The athletic department truly knows how to keep everyone’s general wellbeing in mind. 

And I’m not mad about it. I’m a HUGE Badgers fan and would do ANYTHING to see them play in an empty stadium against the worst team in the Big Ten over Homecoming Weekend. I spent all of my 11:11 wishes on this, so you’re welcome.

Word on the block is the University doesn’t want non-athletes and non-tailgaters to feel excluded on this upcoming gameday, so my girl Becksters is actually recommending some other COVID-friendly activities that you can enjoy with any number of people – anywhere from five to 50!

These activities are best performed maskless, in tight proximity and with your closest friends and family cheering you on.

The Banter Herald: What it’s like being only funny person on staffHi, let me take a second to introduce myself. I’m Keagan “Smokin Hot” Schlosser, and I’m the Fall 2020 Banter Read…

Licking every pole on State Street 

This is a fun little homage to “A Christmas Story.” Though doing it in fall doesn’t have the same fun risk of a frozen tongue, you do run the chance of contracting oral herpes, which is almost better to me! In a pandemic, you want to ensure you’re getting all your vitamins and nutrients, and street lamps and bus stops contain a plethora.

Orgy on Bascom Hill 

Okay, this one may seem a little risqué, but trust me, the University is begging us to do it! All of the construction on the hill luckily provides some privacy if you’re still a little shy about group sex. But, there’s just enough traffic that you’ll also catch the attention of passers-by — who are, of course, always welcome to join. The Badgers can rustle around on University property — why can’t you?

Holding hands with your classmates during in-person class

Now usually, you should make sure something like this is consensual, but believe it or not, you make closer friends if you take someone’s hand into yours without asking — better yet, without saying a word. Just keep your eyes on your professor and allow the sweat from your palm to submerge itself into the skin of your peer. If things go well, maybe invite them to the orgy you’re participating in later. 

Cheffing it up in isolationHere at The Badger Herald, we know you’re no Michelin Star chef. You’re more of a drunken Guy Fieri whose Read…

Skinny dipping in Lake Mendota with Sigma Alpha Epsilon

You can’t tell me these guys aren’t your dream swim date. If they’re not busy dartying or hooping to EDM, simply knock on their door and invite the whole house to swim with you. Sure, temperatures are getting kind of chilly. But SAE is there to treat your inevitable hypothermia with the cases upon cases of lukewarm Natty Light.

Inviting all of your Tinder matches over at the same time

While this one is technically different than the orgy, it still has just as much adventure involved. It’s undeniable that one of every three of your Tinder matches absolutely will come over if you invite them. Now imagine — you tell 20 horn-dogs to come “Amazon Prime and Have a Good Time ;)” and they all show up promptly at 8:30 p.m. At first, they’re weirded out. Then everyone gets acquainted, learns each other’s names, bonds over Kate Bush and next thing you know — you and your 20 closest friends are on for drinks next weekend at Brandon’s house. That’s magical, baby!

Body shots with Art Paul Schlosser

Now this guy knows how to have a good time! I can attest because I, Keagan Schlosser, am related by blood to this dare-devil. Well lol, it’s hard to tell because he’s not on ancestry.com, BUT we do, in fact, share the same nickname – Slosheder. Mouthful, I know! But when Art Paul isn’t jamming on Madison’s sidewalks and asking you to buy his tasteful T-shirts, he is pouring Svedka into his naval and begging people to slurp it up. That guy just gets it.

2020 time capsule projected to be hot messOh yeah baby, a time capsule. Sexy AND timeless. I’m sure there’s lots of great things we could brainstorm to Read…

Going to Chasers

Now, I don’t know anyone dumb enough to actually do this, but remember I’m speaking on behalf of the school, not myself. If you’re really looking for an activity, you could just put on your black top, leave your mask at home and get Vegas bombs at this classically safe establishment. COVID basically isn’t real anymore, so bars are a yes!!!! 

So, if you don’t own a red backpack and live in Lark at Randall, these are some fun little ways you can spend your chilly, autumn Saturdays. Again, invite as many folks as you possibly can to amplify these experiences!

I want to thank UW for offering these up and encouraging students to finally put themselves out there! Live, laugh, masks off <3