Oh yeah baby, a time capsule. Sexy AND timeless. I’m sure there’s lots of great things we could brainstorm to put in a time capsule for 2020, right? 

Maybe like a right-leaning absentee ballot conveniently lost in the mail? Ahem, anyways.

Quarantini: Lockdown drinking gamesChancellor Rebecca Blank has been a real party pooper recently. With stricter dorm guidelines and two-week lockdown of Witte and Read…

The year is 2080. Spongebob WAS right – everything is chrome. The Krabby Patty formula is still safely tucked away, thank God. Patrick lives under a pile of pollution and non-recycled plastics, similar to his rock in the past, but like, way more realistic. Pollution is the main source of currency. The government requires us by law to wear clogs, and well, no one argues. Clogs are fucking sick. 

Tap dancing has increasingly grown in popularity, and so has the general population’s sexual activity. Absolutely no correlation there whatsoever. (If you tap dance, hit me up.)

There is a ceremonial opening in your town square of the infamous 2020 time capsule. What will be in there, your children wonder. Seeds to plant, beautiful works of art, amazing literature, pictures of wild fauna? 

Uh, yeah, but, not quite. The city gasps as the time capsule is opened.

  • Memes. Pamphlets upon pamphlets of terribly edited memes. But … why is the crowd laughing so uproariously? Because 2020’s sense of self-deprecating jokes and uncomfortable humor lives on, transcending through time. 
  • “Lost” absentee ballots. Remember that presidential election ballot you requested three months ahead of time, filled it out and sent it back on time? Oh yeah, and the other absentee ballots you requested? Well, unfortunately, none of them were counted and the news didn’t have much to say about it, but well, they’re here now! Welcome to the future, baby.

Which outdoor patio are you?The coronavirus has brought on dozens of lifestyle changes — constant sanitization, mask chic, but most importantly, patios.  Summer 2020 Read…

  • Disease. Accompanied with 30 dirty and thriving homemade masks. The elastic — broken. Germs — everywhere. Who would America be without bringing disease and mass death everywhere they go? God, it is a great day to be American.
  • Hydroflasks. These bad boys stood the true test of time. 60 years later, and the ice cubes are still clinking. Holy shit, they even MULTIPLIED. Exponentially. Do you taste that? “The water is SO cold and stays like that for days. You have got to get one,” your brain essentially won’t stop repeating.
  • Coins. Yes, coins. Did you not realize this is where all the coins have been going? No duh, we currently have a national coin shortage. They’re all in the time capsule.
  • The deafening sounds of loneliness. The citizens of 2080 will be boggled as to how we fit the silence and heartache of watching “Tiger King” in our rooms into a jar, but that’s a secret we’ll never tell. More heartbreaking than Jack and Rose or Romeo and Juliet is every single 20-year-olds’ disconnect with the rest of the world. 

If your dorm was an Arry Potta houseAs much as we hate to admit it, where you lived freshmen year has a lasting effect on your personality Read…

  • Last, but not least, photo credits. Yes, we gathered every single Instagram comment that has “photo creds,” in it and put them into a time capsule along with their respected photo. May you always be credited with your iPhone camera’s hard work, Rebecca. You did great, and this photo is amazing. Can you take it from another angle real quick?

As you can see, our 2020 time capsule really gathered the most important things that truly encapsulate this year. Stay slick, Gen Z.