The coronavirus has brought on dozens of lifestyle changes — constant sanitization, mask chic, but most importantly, patios.
Summer 2020 was iconic — for very few positive reasons — but if there’s anything that adapted quicker than instant yeast rises, it was the restaurant industry. Eateries nationwide busted out tables, chairs and chalk boards scribbled with “we’re open!”
State Street in particular has been a hotspot for outdoor wining and dining. From fancy restaurants to holes in the wall, everrrrrryone has a patio. Like people, each patio has a unique set of traits that make it loveable, hateable or ya-I-guess-she-can-comeable.
Take this quiz to see which awful combination of traits your personality represents!
At a party, you would be …
A. In a heated debate with an old friend
B. Pulling out your “water”-filled Dasani bottle
C. Minding your business and nodding to the music
D. Distracted by every cute person who walks by
E. You wouldn’t. You’d stay home.
Your go-to karaoke song is …
A. Something classic! Queen or Elton John
B. Everytime We Touch — the club remix
C. Hozier or any indie ballad equivalent
D. Take a Chance on Me (Mamma Mia version, not ABBA)
E. You’re actually more of a podcast person
Your perfect date would be …
A. Something lowkey like a coffee date
B. HBO Max and Relax
C. Finding abandoned buildings and starting fires
D. Set up by your friends — why not?
E. A Zoom call? Dating isn’t really a priority right now
If you’re really stressed, you might …
A. Take a bath and watch “Gilmore Girls”
B. Black out
C. Journal your thoughts and burn some incense
D. Gallavant around the block and ask a random stranger for their number
E. Finish the tasks at hand and reevaluate
The first bar you’re going to after COVID?
A. Whiskey Jack’s
E. The bar in Paul’s Pelmeni
What crappy college decoration do you own?
A. Strand of lights with eight broken bulbs
B. A letterboard with degrading nicknames on them
C. Posters of movies you’ve never seen and vinyl that you have no means of listening to
D. Knickknacks that you’re roommates say “don’t belong on the wall”
E. A printout of the Dean’s List to show Mom and Dad that you’re just as smart as your Ivy League sibling
A. TJ Maxx bath bombs
B. Pickle juice
C. Buying cigarettes and not smoking them
D. Playing fart roulette in public
E. Dissecting Oreos and only eating the cream
What kind of defecation do you most relate to?
A. Streamlined with an easy wipe
B. Straight liquid
C. Long, but satisfying
E. Small and cute
None of your friends read the articles you pour your heart into, what do you do?
A. Respectfully keep leaving newspapers lying around
B. Say nothing and base patio characteristics on them
C. Romanticize the idea that you have one loyal weekly reader
D. Choose to be extremely highkey and confront them
E. This isn’t something that bothers you
You need new friends — how do you find them?
A. Become a debutante
C. Read Karl Marx in public and wait for them to flock
D. Bus stops?
E. Isolate for the rest of your life
Vintage or Sweet Home Wisconsin
You are truly an original and you know your place in tough situations. Like these two patios, people turn to you for authenticity and quality. Folks feel as though they can trust you with their well-being. This isn’t to say you can’t also be the life of the party. When the sun sets, you can bring it! Never change — you’re golden.
UU or Monday’s or Chasers
If you have mostly B’s, stay away from me. You’re likely the wild child of the friend group and are proud of it. Normally, this is a fun trait, but in a pandemic it’s a bit worrisome. Does it feel like your friends often use you for their personal gain — perhaps so they can look cool, hip and alcoholic? When in reality, y’all shouldn’t be hanging out at all? Deep down, you’re not a bad person, but the people you associate with are.
Colectivo or Michaelangelo’s
You have a very specific vibe and you don’t care what others have to say about it. You’re put-together, organized and a very reliable friend. In fact, you’re so charismatic that people often flock to you, whether or not they’re similar or different than you. You have a pretty specific niche, and that’s what makes it work. Keep loving and living YOU.
Any State Street location not meant to have a patio
You’re either chaotic or chill — no in-between. You may stress your friends out because of your spontaneous, sometimes questionable behavior, but at the end of the day you are loyal. Truth is? You’ve been struggling lately, but you keep a smile on your face no matter what. You want the people around you to be happy and it shows. You’re a bit of a risk taker, but also fairly reasonable. Kind of a walking juxtaposition.
Your friend’s Palisades balcony
You like to play it safe. While there’s nothing wrong with that, there’s always the thought in the back of your head wondering if you’re missing the fun. That thought doesn’t linger, though, because you can have fun on your own! You can drink a bottle of sangria on a balcony overlooking infected Witte and have just as much fun than if you were at the club. With safety comes a clear conscience. Truthfully, no one’s really harping on your decisions. They’re most likely just insecure themselves and haven’t overcome the toxicity of drinking culture. Keep wearing your mask, sweaty.
If you’re disappointed in these results, so am I.