Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
You should go get tested for STDs. I mean everybody should, but you should go right now. Like, drop what you’re doing and go get tested immediately.
Feb. 19 – March 20
The full moon is in Pisces this week, and that means you should avoid foods high in keratin and omega-3 fatty acids. These nutrients will block vital essences from circulating through your body, and you will suffer professionally as a result. Eat lots of fast food to get that promotion you’ve been angling for.
March 21 – April 19
Ares was the ancient Greek god of war. I’m not sure if this has anything to do with the sign Aries, but it seems too close to be a coincidence. Whatever. To be honest I don’t really know what’s up for Aries this week. Just wing it, I guess.
April 20 – May 20
Taurus is the sign of the bull, and if you ask me a whole lot of it has been coming out of your mouth lately. Start telling the truth more, because people are starting to catch on. It starts out innocently enough — a white lie here and there never hurt anybody. But before long you’re sending remittances to your secret family in Antigua and moonlighting as a wrestler under the stage name Guenther to pay off your gambling debts.
May 21 – June 20
The stars are aligning for Gemini this week. You should be making that big decision you’ve been mulling over for a few weeks. Pay no heed to the fact that your entire future hinges on this one choice, and if you go down the wrong path your entire life will be ruined. Choose now, because if you wait any longer you’ll completely fuck it up.
June 21 – July 22
Cancer is the Crab sign, but that doesn’t mean you have to be so crabby all the time! Lighten up toots! You look much prettier with a smile on your face. Remember — when you’re smiling the whole world smiles with you, but when you’re crying it makes people feel uncomfortable. Lucky Numbers for Cancers this week are 7, 29, 42, 55 and 0.
July 23 – Aug. 22
Marilyn Monroe once said that blondes have more fun, but personally I think Leos do. This week you’re going to be outgoing, sociable and friendly to a fault. Just remember that not everybody likes you as much as you think, so keep that in mind the next time you extend that handshake.
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
The Sun is in Virgo until Sept. 22, meaning it’s time for you to get your shit together. Do that task you’ve been putting off for the last week. That pile of dishes you have in the sink isn’t gonna do itself, and I think I heard a mouse crawling around in it last night. I mean come on, when we signed this lease we talked about dividing up the chores evenly, but you haven’t washed a single dish since we moved in. It smells like goddamn rotten eggs in here.
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Libras are primarily concerned with Justice and Balance, making them excellent Jenga players. They also tend to solve problems with diplomacy, but the movement of the moon this week might make that difficult. If you run into problems trying to solve conflicts with words, consider using your fists.
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Scorpios have intense intellects, and that could cause problems this week if you’re interacting with people who don’t like nerds. Make sure not to come off as a know-it-all dork this week. Maybe look into a prescription for contact lenses.
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
You should satisfy your innate Sagittarian thirst for adventure this week. Throw caution to the wind and see where the week takes you. Try out that new restaurant you’ve been thinking about, ride the bus to the end of the line, or if the opportunity should arise, smoke some cool new drugs.
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Capricorns take heed — this week will be extremely painful for you. I recommend shutting yourself inside your home and leaving only for the bare necessities. Do not expose yourself to the cruelty of the world. Consider buying an Xbox.