Alex Cooper’s video of her holding the camera right at face level and calling out Alix Earle most uncharacteristically came just in the knick of time — internship season.

Instead of reloading the “My Network” section of my LinkedIn every time to confront a blank screen, I have moved on to greener pastures: the drama between Alex Cooper and also Alix Earle. All of my energy had to be reallocated somewhere and examining pictures side by side of the two to try and fail at telling them apart is just the thing I need.

The blonde-on-blonde is drowning out my internship-less sorrows. And no, I do not mean Bob Dylan’s legendary album, although Cooper and Earle would both do wonders with a leopard-skin pill-box hat.

Nobody really knows what’s going on and perhaps that renders it all that much more intriguing. But the confusion of the whole shebang does one in quickly. Even just a week or so of this going on, the scandal has been transformed into being referred to as the Cooper and Earle drama. Which, when only the surnames and not the homophonically identical first names are mentioned, makes it sound like a brawl between two old geezers at a nursing home over the last bran muffin.

Truth be told, I know more concrete facts about Atlantis than I do this. I may be alone in not having an internship at NASA but certainly not alone in not having a firm grasp as to what is going on. This drama is stupefying podcasters right and left, who bumble around, frittering away hours discussing how non-blonde Dave Portnoy is instrumentally involved in this.

For everyone’s convenience and so that I can thoroughly distract myself, the nuts and bolts (as helpful as the ones Ikea randomly throws into a box) are the following:

Supposedly, before Alex Cooper called her out, she “Called Her Daddy,” founding a hit podcast “Call Her Daddy.” At or in around the same pop cultural geological period, Alix Earle rose to fame on her own, evolving from lowly TikTok dances to highbrow gyrating on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Alex Cooper detached herself from “Barstool Sports” and made “Call Her Daddy” a part of her own network, Unwell, and made it every millennial woman’s go-to background noise when they’re on the stationary bike. Alix Earle continued to rise in fame, trying day by day to saturate her page with enough content to make the public forget about when she showed a dress in her closet that she had vomited on and not cleaned, mistakenly thinking it would land as being relatable.

Somehow or another, it seems because Cooper and Earle both exist in the same category of “famous but not really,” they shrugged their shoulders and decided, “Why not?”, collaborating to bring Earle’s podcast “Hot Mess” to Cooper’s Unwell network. Even though the podcast’s title sounds as though somebody clicked through SynomymsGalore.com to find it under “Unwell,” the facts insist that they are two separate entities. The separateness became unmistakably pronounced not too long after, as Earle separated from the Unwell network and then the whole unacknowledged cold TikTok war went off the radar.

But now it’s back, rearing its bleached blonde head and lighting TikTok aflame. The gag is that there’s so much more beyond what these nuts and bolts can informationally provide. No, none of it falls in line with anything else, nor does anything really make sense at all.

But when did things making sense ever matter? With that in mind: Alex Cooper’s husband apparently used to be married to Emma Gilbert (Claire Holt), from “H20: Just Add Water,” and fans speculate that because Alix Earle is close friends with Emma Gilbert’s actress or Emma Gilbert’s actress’ uncle’s friend’s ex-neighbor, that this is why the antagonism was ignited.

The video confirming this wherein Emma Gilbert screeches, “Cleorrrrrr, lerk, Alex Cooper and Alix Earle are fighting!” from the Moon Pool is soon to be released. This is unfortunately not a fight that Cooper can “Just Add Unwell Energy” to, sprout a mermaid tail and swim vigorously away from. Those who sympathize with Alix Earle or who otherwise just want to see Cooper flounder without the mermaid tail safeguard have scrounged up the fact that she left her former “Call Her Daddy” podcast co-host in the dirt.

What’s more is that there is a video clipped from when Alex Cooper and Alix Earle collaborated for whatever reason. Doing their makeup with absent expressions alongside one another, Alex Cooper begins to spin a yarn about how in college, Alix Earle’s ex reached out to her and “any girl in Boston who had blonde hair”. Even though the camera reflecting back Alix Earle’s disgruntled expression was right in front of her, she did not catch the memo and carried on, “He would reach out to me so many times.” This remains one of the most probable seeds sown of what would later become the Alex vs. Alix drama.

Alex Cooper continues to lob low blows, as she made fun of Earle’s partnership with Carl’s Jr for a Superbowl ad. Even though she herself collaborated with Arby’s. So “What’s the beef?”, Alex? The Meat Mountain?

I’ll continue to ride this drama bandwagon out like that rabbit from the Multiplication Schoolhouse rock video, who hops on amid boxes of cabbage while still managing the breath control to teach generations how to multiply by seven. Who knows what really happened or if anything else is even real? What if it is all a wildly successful and half-convincing PR stunt? I choose not to acknowledge that very likely fact, as well as the very likely fact that the one internship I applied for will ghost me, not even bothering to send a rejection notice. As for looking for another internship, “Okay, on it!”