Disclaimer — I am not a professional Horoscopist. But I do have a zodiac related tattoo, so I’m pretty reputable. What’s in the stars is in the stars, honey! Take it or leave it.
Aries — Calm as you may appear, Aries thrive on making impulsive decisions and living dangerously. Have you thought about cutting your bangs to the point of actually doing it yet, Aries?
How about just throw away the hair bleach in your bathroom, or we know you’ll regret it. And by all means, sweetie, don’t text your ex. Or, you know what, do all of those things. It’s quarantine for goodness’ sake. What could go wrong?
Taurus — Taurus, quarantine was built for you. In fact, you may have even been looking for an extended break to practice your mindfulness (alas, a pandemic isn’t best-case scenario, but hey).
You finally have time to do what makes you feel good, like reading a book, having an existential crisis or redecorating your childhood bedroom. Your innate stubbornness may be causing conflict in personal or professional realms, but put on that self-guided yoga video and keep chugging through.
Gemini — How high is your screen time this week, dear Gemini? With today’s technology, you’ve never been better suited to continue your normal chatty behavior.
Sure, you miss having an IRL gossip sesh, but your group chat (and group chats separate from the group chat) are lucky to have you. It’s a trying time, but don’t instigate too much over Corona-cation — you won’t be able to squirm out of your devil’s advocacy as easily with Bitmojis.
Cancer — As a Cancer, you feel very protective of your loved ones in a time of crisis. Don’t let the lack of flour on grocery store shelves let your anger fester. Be creative, and stress bake a batch of gluten-free goodies! Or seven. Or 12. Whatever feels right!
If you start to feel moody, consider self-isolating for at least 14 minutes and returning to the situation. Your three loaves of uneaten bread will thank you.
Leo — A Leo without a spotlight is like soap without water. Being stuck inside all day is surely driving you wild, drama queen! You may be compensating by speaking up in all of your Zoom lectures or trying to go viral on TikTok.
Practice patience, Leo, and try not to stir up drama in your household out of boredom. Maybe put on a fashion show for your cat, just to remind yourself that self-isolation looks are still LOOKS, got it?
Virgo — Virgo, you are a quarantine rockstar. Your attention to detail is leaving no hand unwashed and no interaction less than six feet apart. Surely, you have several projects coming along very nicely right now.
Don’t let your self-isolating superpowers get too lonely. Now may be the perfect time to start a private story or reactivate your Finsta — you can’t internalize everything. The World! Must! Know!
Libra — As the natural charmer you are, quarantine might be a tricky time for a relationship-oriented Libra. Don’t feel bad if you’ve gone through every Tinder profile in your hometown.
Besides this current lack of affection, you may also be lacking your usual sense of balance. Try to find the best of both worlds in quarantine. Host a virtual happy hour, then learn how to sew via your Grandma’s Facetime. It’s all about range, right?
Scorpio — Ah, yes, the most misunderstood sign of the zodiac. If you haven’t left your room all quarantine, nobody blames you, Scorpio. It’s likely that you’ve re-watched the Harry Potter series twice and have delved into several “Tiger King” conspiracy threads.
Try not to grow jealous of your old lifestyle, and instead find zeal for the new life you are living. This does not mean analyzing every google-able detail about your class crush… but to each their own.
Sagittarius — Oh Sag. Now that you don’t have your roommates to pick fights with, what are you doing with your spare time? Asserting your opinions as facts on Twitter?
Being passive-aggressive about the lasagna your mom made? As much as no one wants you to destroy the hearts of your fellow classmates in Canvas discussion posts, if that’s the only way to fill your voids, go for it.
Capricorn — You will not let a pandemic come in the way of your school or professional goals, Capricorn! It is refreshing to have someone so calm, cool and collected in such an unknowing time.
Don’t forget your fellow signs do not easily possess your pragmatic nature. Try not to turn cold when your mom insists on buying a second package of toilet paper. Not everyone is like you, and that’s okay.
Aquarius — Hey, Aquarius. I know school is probably weighing on your mind. And without access to your Adderall prescription, you’re probably going bonkers. Let coronavirus serve as a muse for your next creative project.
While mastering cool TikTok transitions is impressive, maybe write a folk song. Choreograph a tap dance. Photoshop your friends’ pictures into the fun Madison places you once habitually visited, and then cry for maybe an hour. The world is your oyster!
Pisces — Your sign’s cliché of having your head in the clouds is finally coming in handy, huh Pisces? With a full day of nothing to do, you can finally let your imagination run wild!
Be wary, Pisces, and don’t let your vivid imagination cross into the realms of your hopeless romantic nature. You might just mistake the cute guy from your Anthro class’s eye contact with the webcam as flirting