I like to think if Carly and Sam were real people and made an actual web show, they would be successful. In reality, they would definitely be cyberbullied or their social security numbers would be compromised.

The impact that iCarly has had on this generation is incomparable. The drama, romance, technology and studio audience — all beautiful. True Jackson VP couldn’t compare.

Want to know what character resonates with your sign’s soul? Read more to find out.

Aries: Gibby

Aries offers to lead the pack. In this coming time, Aries needs to leap forward into the spotlight and command attention. This is vaguely like Gibby becoming a series regular. This decision baffled me and it lead to the downfall of the show’s ratings (citation needed). Gibby reminds me of a waffle breakfast that is ten layers deep and covered in whipped cream, chocolate, strawberries and ice cream. It’s physically appealing, but it will also give me heartburn.

Taurus: Ms. Briggs

Taurus deserves to be rigid — just not as rigid as Ms. Briggs’s crazy pointy boobs! (Carly Shay, 2008). Ms. Brigg’s personal hatred for children and simultaneous love for Randy Jackson burns with the white-hot intensity of a thousand stars. Taurus should, in turn, create a monument to Randy Jackson.

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HoroNOPE: Zodiac predictions for you ’90s babiesWow, the new semester and year has just begun, that means new stimuli, new adventures, new looks and best of Read…

Gemini: Shelby Marx/Tori (from the Victorious crossover special)

One of the many things that keep me up at night is the fact Victoria Justice (RIP) played TWO different characters on the show with the EXACT same appearance. Shelby Marx and Tori are both impersonal, pun-filled, sassy and stylistically challenged women. Gemini, being the twin, deserves this archetype. Maybe it’s time to strengthen your inner Shelby Marx, or Tori, or both (they’re the same). Have fun, be yourself.

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Cancer: Freddie

This is McFreakin’ obvious. Freddie’s lust for Carly (without the tweeny manipulation aspect) is totally Cancer because he’s overly analytical and reads into his feelings too much. But he does demonstrate you can be in love with your friend, they can know about it and everything will still be fine. Maybe you should fall in love with your friend. Maybe it’s that time of the season to look in your friend’s eyes and be transparent … maybe it’s Maybelline, I don’t know.

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Leo: Sam

Sam is Leo because she’s the only sensible character on the show. She’s dramatic and uses butter as a weapon, while her appetite for danger transcends the rest of the show’s planes. My only criticism is her applause remote is obviously fake. Why did you lie to us, Jeanette? Anywho, Sam’s charismatic grace and love of poultry balances her fallacies — Leo should look for balance this week.

Virgo: Freddie’s Mom (Marissa)

Freddie’s Mom is obsessive and self-righteous. If I lose my underwear, I wouldn’t want to have my name on it. When will Seattle learn? Virgo serves theirself and all is in their power. She should stop giving Freddie gift cards to the GAP when she can probably steal stuff from the closets of Langdon Street (BURN). Pastels are out. Get over it.

Libra: Carly

Carly is a nice, easygoing and caring tween who would die for her friends if it gave her social media karma. She is the mirror of Libra: the leader who sacrifices her integrity, yet gains it all back and then some. Perhaps Libras should invest in web documentaries or a communications degree this week.

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Scorpio: Neville

I’d hate to throw my own sign under the bus by characterizing it as a prepubescent white child who owns a website (aka today’s YouTubers), but Neville’s antics of anger, stone-cold grudge-holding and a lack of emotional regulation is totally Scorpios’ Epub page. But Scorpios should try to alleviate that grudge in some healthy fashion and not rue the day.

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Sagittarius: Socko

Socko gives cool socks and is never seen on the show. This is just like how Sagittarius never seems to be around when you need them the most. Having accountability from a Sagittarius is like hitting a cactus — one of you is probably going to get hurt and it’s not the cactus.           

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Capricorn: Spencer

Capricorn is Spencer because he’s the creative type while also being a good ol’ pal with a really big heart. Like most Capricorns, he can be confusing, but Capricorns should try to be vulnerable this week. Pro tip: try thinking of Spencer and his emu from that one episode — it always brings out my sensitive side.

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Aquarius: T-Bo

You know that friendly but borderline oversharing Pita Pit worker who gives you coupons for listening to his tale for a minute and a half? That’s T-Bo, the guy who works at The Groovie Smoothie. Aquarius should overshare their lives with strangers this week because that’s what T-Bo does daily and he’s been successful three times out of 10.

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Pisces: Guppy

I chose this one because Gibby’s brother, Guppy, had minimal appearances on the show but was vital to saving the iCarly gang in a special I unforgivably didn’t watch. Guppy is like a fish, which — ding! ding! ding! — is Pisces. Save your friends this week.

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