Chancellor Rebecca Blank has been a real party pooper recently. With stricter dorm guidelines and two-week lockdown of Witte and Sellery, she’s really been cramping a lot of peoples’ styles. 

My good mans Travis was supposed to have his “almost-got-Corona-but-tested-negative-hell-yeah-guys-five-dollars-girls-for-free-until-midnight-basically-almost-Halloweekend bash” at Witte this weekend. But I guess the admins are a bunch of LOOOOO-SERSSSSS!

But in all seriousness, it is our jobs to keep each other safe, so the Herald has developed a number of quarantine-safe, 21-plus ways to have fun while we remain safely within our dorms.

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WARNING: The Badger Herald is in no way endorsing underage drinking, nor has anyone on staff, ESPECIALLY this writer ever participated in the bibation of illicit substances — nor has she ever been “so sloppy that she made out with the host’s Poodle Wheaten Terrier mix.” 

And if you say otherwise, you will be hearing from my lawyers.

No Peer Beer Pong

Obviously, it is going to be a lot harder to play a sick game of Pong without multiple people, and despite Amazon insisting that your package has arrived, those damned overworked people in the package room still won’t give you the pong table you ordered — those bastards.

But, with these modifications, you can enjoy the sweet, sweet satisfaction of drunkenly missing throwing a ping pong ball into a solo cup six feet away.

First find a relatively small table — bed-side, perhaps. Then, set up your solo cups in Pong formation, the point of the pyramid facing a wall. Sit directly behind the base of the pyramid and throw the ping pong ball at the wall, trying to aim for cups below. And just like regular pong, when you get the ball in the cup, you gotta drink. 

Hey, we are in quarantine for a good time, not a “pong” time, so make the most of it.

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Quarantine Quarters

So we know Quarters, but how can one play it alone? Well instead of bouncing a quarter into a shot glass and making a friend drink, instead, pick various things around your room to bounce or toss the quarter into and if you make it, you drink.

Make the game interesting by choosing varied and adventurous targets — an old Maruchan soup cup that should be classified as hazardous waste, the pile of cereal bowls with quickly curdling milk inside, your molding shower caddy or your trash can which you know you really should dump out but that means moving your sorry butt off your bed and you just aren’t capable of such an arduous task right now but thanks for reminding me, douche.

Perhaps filling several things around your room with quarters will fill the gaping void inside you that is swiftly increasing in size as the days move slowly onward. What fun!

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Facetime Funtime

Now this one is a doozy. Next time you have a class on BBCollaborate, bring a shot glass. Every time it’s someone’s turn to speak, and they say “wait, can you hear me,” take a shot. Any time the video or audio cuts out because the BBCollaborate wasn’t meant for more than five people at a time, take two.

You’ll be passed out on your dorm floor before your professor can awkwardly say for the fifth time “haha sorry guys the connection is really bad over here.”

And while your peers sit silently in breakout rooms, you can fill your room with the glorious sound of you yacking into your dorm room trash can. Nothing will gain your peers’ respect faster than interrupting the awkward silence of a breakout room to blow chunks. 

Bare your Badger Claws

There is no game here. Just chug claws until you feel something again.

With these modifications, you can party hard and stay safe, because if you are out partying right now, you’re a loser and you won’t be invited to the “Thank-God-we-all-beat-Corona-now-lets-get-trashed-but-also-remember-that-the-pandemic-revealed-many-racial-disparities-in-this-country-and-we-should-work-hard-to-end-racial-injustice-pool-party spring rager.”