Hey, you, little off-campus dweller. Ya, you – the one who decided dorms were sooo freshmen year, and it was time to move up with life. How’s your apartment going? Your Redbubble posters keep falling? Classic. Good despite the pandemic? Ya, ya, I hear you.

What was that? You’re kind of … upset? That UW-Madison hasn’t enacted any guidelines for its off-campus students regarding quarantine? You want your institution to support you during this global crisis happening in the midst of your youth?

Girl, kind of dramatic, but I get it.

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Although the dorms are the absolute last place I want to be during the coronavirus pandemic, University Housing residents have guaranteed quarantine facilities. If they test positive for the virus or come in close contact with someone who is positive, there are places besides the dorms for students to stay.

Me in my overpriced highrise? Literal scum. Stay there, they said. Absolutely no university funds can aid you. I geeeeet it.

I would rather my tuition money go to Badger face masks instead of an isolated room when I’m on my deathbed.

The university recommends off-campus students create a quarantine plan with roommates, friends and family in case a student contracts the virus.

If you’re like me and a) can’t and won’t go home to infect your entire family or b) would rather not have your roommates wait hand and foot on you for ten to 14 days, have I got some options for you!

Madison, Wisconsin is home to endless, dazzling locations to stay at when you’ve come in contact with a potentially deadly virus. Need a quarantine plan? Look no further than this pretty comprehensive list!

U-HAUL Storage Unit

The best thing about this option is that there are so many locations! While a storage unit doesn’t sound desirable, they’re actually pretty spacious and very secure. You can rent a storage unit for a month for as low as $49.95. Now that’s a good deal!

Another pro: once your two weeks are over, you can easily sublease this unit to another maybe-sick student and get your money back in no time.

The empty rooms in Southeast Residence Halls

While it’s unfortunate that the university is only providing quarantine spaces for Housing residents, what is fortunate is that the dorms are a breeding ground for COVID-19! Give it a week into the semester and Witte’s entire 7th floor will be wiped out and put into temporary isolation housing. You get exposed? Bam! You’ve got a guaranteed room!

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Event rooms in Memorial Union

Now that all in-person events are most likely canceled, there’s absolutely no need for the rooms in Memorial Union. You know, the ones upstairs that frats and irrelevant orgs had their meetings in every Tuesday at 5:30 p.m. Almost all of the rooms have 20-30 comfortable chairs and a water cooler. Who could ask for more?

The Carillon Tower

Of course you knew about this famous, ringing monument on the Social Sciences Hill, but did you know that it is easily accessible? At least to those who are in the know. All you have to do is knock on the bottom door in a specific rhythmic pattern.

Knock, knock knockity knock knock, then you say the words “dingity dee, I’m here for quarantine!” (and hold the long e for two whole notes). The small elf who works the bells will come get you and take care of you for a week! Dringlez is a super nice guy, and he’s got a vibey place, trust me!

Quarantimes: Your guide to travel post-outbreakMany states are extending their stay at home orders for a month, and airlines are canceling all domestic flights. A Read…

Hoofers shed(?) area, y’all know what I’m talking about

Now this is a luxurious, lakeside quarantine space. This one is special, and I’m sure it will fill up fast! So get reservations while space lasts. Unlike many of the other shelters, this place has access to bathrooms, which is major. Perks: perfect view of Mendota sunsets. Cons: hearing the blaring Hoofers siren, reminding you that people own boats and you have a virus. 

I guess a hotel

A week’s stay in a Madison, Wisconsin hotel is bound to come at a steep price. This is honestly a last resort. Though it’s the most “comfortable” option and you would have a “TV” and “shower” and “access to food,” who wants to pay to be in a hotel? Luckily, there are a lot of them across the city, so always a backup plan.

Your corona-scope for outbreak seasonDisclaimer — I am not a professional Horoscopist. But I do have a zodiac related tattoo, so I’m pretty reputable. Read…

While I may have missed a few, I hope this list has aided you and your roommates in creating a safe isolation plan. Every UW student deserves to be treated properly if they contract coronavirus, and these quarantine spots are sure to do the job.

They may be so nice, you’ll want to overextend your stay! But just in case you like your apartment, house, or friend’s closet in The James, wear your mask and keep your distance!