As much as we hate to admit it, where you lived freshmen year has a lasting effect on your personality that can be identified even years later. Ask your Lakeshore friends, you give off major Sellery/Witte energy. Never quite in on the social scene, but always making an earnest effort? Chadbourne lookin’ ass.

If you’ve read any articles by this gem, you may have picked up that I love classifying people into nonsensical, generic and unbacked categories. It’s amusing, and bullying helps me compensate for my deep-rooted insecurities.

For some reason, I pitched Hogwart Houses this week and took on the brave task of writing the article. I really have too much on my plate.

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Listen guv’na, when you were busy reading about the falsities of potions and spells, I was busy stuffing my training bra with socks and keeping my tutus fluffed. Unlike you, I was popular in middle school.

So, to be honest I haven’t a flying frick what any of the Hogwarts Houses represent. I put more value into factual, concrete practices — like horoscopes. BUT I know because I am a Scorpio, it makes a lot of sense I’m also a Slytherin.

Which is good, because after years of pushback, Draco Malfoy is finally getting his limelight as a total baddie.

But I’m not here to harp on anyone’s spiritual or literary beliefs, I’m here to turn them into a reality baby. Let’s dive in with the help of the ever-helpful Wikipedia and my roommate, Isabel.

Hufflepuff — Chadbourne 

A Hufflepuff values hard work, patience, justice and loyalty.

I’m not gonna lie, it sounds really boring to be a Hufflepuff, and I’m not sure why everyone is so proud to be in this house. It’s unclear whether or not freshmen are proud to live in Chadbourne, but I sure can tell you they reek of fitting in.

“I’m from Southeast!” “I party!” No, you eat Rheta’s and are close to all the study spaces. Your room is a shoebox and you’re depressed.

I will say that Chad has an interesting mix of party and academics, though. Shoutout Chad.

I actually think that Chadbourners and Hufflepuffs are extremely well-rounded people … emphasis on I think. But can you name any prominent Hufflepuffs besides Robert Pattinson’s hotty mc-hot and deceased character? That’s what I thought.

A very close second is Sullivan.

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Ravenclaw – Liz Waters 

Can you say Women in STEM? Ravenclaws value intelligence, learning, wisdom and wit. You may think I’m stereotyping this educational learning community with the stereotypically smart Hogwarts House, and you would be right. Also, I forget this house exists a lot.

Poor Liz Waters — while I think they have the best locale on campus, it’s the most forgetful dorm. I can’t say that everyone in this dorm is mega smart, considering the one male person I know who lived here was … not. But ya, I mean I think this makes sense as a classification, and I don’t foresee anyone fighting me on it. (My inbox is always open for a little rigamarole [I’m so lonely]).

Slytherin – Smith/Dejope (they’re the same in my head)

Slytherins value ambition, cunning, leadership and resourcefulness.

Both of these dorms technically belong to the Southeast or Lakeshore neighborhood, but let’s be honest, they’re both outsiders. Instead of trying to integrate themselves into the communities, these dorms host their own funky, not-so-fab festivals.

They’re their own community and they’re proud.

Everyone looks down on them, too, for having such nice amenities. I’m sorry that you’re salty Kronshage was your 16th pick, but Dejope picked ME. High ceilings and air conditioning don’t always equate to happiness though. It’s the most closed-off people who need the most love.

Wow. That was deep.

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Gryffindor – LLLLLAKESHORE (to be said like T-t-t-t-target in that bullhorn fashion)

Unpopular opinion time! You may have thought this spot was going to Sellery or Witte, because everyone wants to live there, but I really have to base this house on character.

Gryffindors value courage, bravery, nerve and chivalry. Like the great Harry Potter himself, the people in these dorms are outsiders, they’re losers, they have two really close friends and estranged relationships with their relatives. But, since they’re not the most popular peeps on campus, they can be the roaring tiger the world wants them to become, while still remaining humble little beasts.

To quote my roommate, Isabel, “In Harry’s first year, he made his best friends and worst enemies.” And that’s all you need to know about Lakeshore, baby.

Bloody ‘ell, that was easier than I thought, despite my illiteracy at age 12.

Tune in next week for “What John Green character is your major?”