Let’s face it, the world as we know it has changed. Unless you live in Florida, you most likely have been quarantining at home, wearing a mask and staying safe over the past six months.
Obviously, this has had substantial impacts on the way individuals interact with one another — especially when it comes to meeting new people and forming new relationships. While many people have spent most of their time this year alone in their bedrooms, I have established a deep and meaningful connection with someone over a popular video app.
That’s right, I found love … over Zoom.
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Yeah, I know, laugh it up everyone, but I’m here to tell you that I am now in a healthy, six-month-long relationship, and it is as loving and committed as any in-person relationship out there — perhaps even more. Every single major aspect of a healthy relationship is possible over Zoom, and I’m here to give the public a quick peek into how it works.
So sit back and relax as I outline the benefits that come with virtual dating.
Firstly, and most importantly, I will discuss the emotional aspect of my virtual relationship. I have to admit, when this started I was worried about how much I could invest, as vulnerability is one of my greatest fears.
Sure, my screen significant other and I were speaking every day, but the fact that it was all online really concerned me. Though, once things started to settle, it became clear that the only possible way for a true attraction to form over Zoom is by connecting emotionally! Let me explain.
You see, for better or worse, looks are the very first thing that we notice about another person. In many cases, falling for someone’s looks can cause a very awkward and/or distant relationship. Simply put, if you don’t enjoy someone’s personality, your relationship will be jack squat. But, virtual dating leaves no room for this line of thinking, because everyone looks horrible over Zoom.
Don’t worry, it’s not just you being self-conscious about how disgusting you appear, EVERYONE looks gross! Over Zoom, it doesn’t matter how long you take to prepare yourself for the camera, you will always look like you’re running on three to four hours of sleep.
The first time I spoke to my girlfriend over Zoom, she looked like Steven Tyler and I looked like Howard Stern. But once we looked past the horror on the screen, we started putting more energy into our conversation, and it’s only been singing birds from there.
Now onto the physical aspect of a virtual relationship. While this can certainly be a very taboo subject, it is also a key component to a loving, long-lasting relationship. Now, I’ve only had sex once before, and it was one of the most disappointing experiences of my life. So much work for so little reward? And I had to stop halfway through because it was far too tiresome! Who wants to put in that much work?
With virtual sex, there is truly no room for disappointment because it involves something that everyone is familiar with — masturbation. Zoom Sex mixes the intimacy of a meaningful sexual encounter with the satisfaction of self-stimulation. Cue Hannah Montana — it’s the best of both worlds!
Disappointment, accidental pregnancy, obtaining contraceptives, locating a private location — all of these problems are avoided when all you have to do is drop it, pop it and mop it.
Needless to say, personal contact is overrated. And Zoom makes it so easy to have an extremely personal, yet satisfying sexual relationship.
With these two balanced aspects of my relationship, I can comfortably say that I found love over Zoom. Honestly, even after the coronavirus passes I just can’t see myself ever going to parties, using dating apps, or, quite frankly, having an in-person relationship with anybody ever again!
Zoom has offered far too many improvements to my dating life to justify going back to “normal.” I hope that by highlighting the strengths of virtual relationships, I have convinced some of you to give it a shot on your own.
So next time you are in a virtual discussion group for your chem class, just remember, I found love over Zoom — why can’t you?