So you’ve come to campus and you’re bored. Aren’t we all. With no sports, and gatherings having to remain under numbered quotas, campus has basically, technically, almost indubitably come under martial law. The COVID-19 virus has put a major damper on what was supposed to be a swagalicious semester.

But, there is another pandemic ravaging UW-Madison’s campus — Spikeball. This game is all the rage on campus. Despite its slightly ridiculous gameplay, its presence on campus cannot be missed.

In fact, nothing is more eye-catching than four gloriously sweaty shirtless white guys with equally sweaty buttcracks slamming a tiny yellow ball into a trampoline. Mhm, truly a sight to be seen — an eighth wonder of the world one could even say. Not that anyone should say that.

Now, what is Spikeball? 

Though it may appear to be some sort of testosterone-fueling ritual, it is actually a casual volleyball-like sport.

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Spikeball is played as follows — two teams have three hits to bounce the ball back to the other team who also has three hits to pass it back without it touching the ground. So basically volleyball, except, instead of a net, there is a mini trampoline that players use to pass it to their opponents. So again, it’s basically volleyball — ripoffs.

But, unlike most regulation sports, Spikeball can be played anywhere there is flat ground and a place to buy Claws nearby. 

You can pay it on a boat. You can play it with a goat. You can play it in the rain. In the dark! In a tree! In a car! All that Dr. Seuss crap.

The actual gameplay requires precision and skill. This is why only the best of the best athletes are fit to play — barely legal, barely sober white guys who just ate 3 slices of Gordon’s pizza and are ready. To. RUMBLE!

Now you know how to play, but do you know how to play? Make sure you know the etiquette of the game or you’ll look like a total noob when you go out onto the field to play.

When you hit the ball, make sure you express your effort with a satisfying, very loud grunt or grrrr. This will alert the other players that you are working really hard to hit this ball that weighs less than an ounce onto a trampoline made for mice. It will actually be not at all embarrassing and actually very intimidating.

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If the ball hits the ground and it’s turnover, follow suit. Fall onto the ground and start swearing to the gods that you will seek vengeance Inigo Montoya style — “you killed my father, prepare to die, yada yada.”

And if, by some twist of fate, the ball goes into the street — panic! Start screaming. Alert everyone within a two mile radius that your spikeball has escaped onto the road and engaged an involuntary game of Frogger. It is of the utmost importance that you retrieve it in the most hyperbolic way possible. In fact, just stop traffic.

The local Madison commuters will understand that this tiny foam ball and your frantic attempts to pick it up before it rolls into a sewer is more important than anything they have to do.

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The game ends after a certain number of points are collected or after a certain number of Gatorade bottles have been poured over peoples’ heads in celebration and now the ball is all sticky — gwoss. If you win, make sure to rub it in. 

Really just add insult to injury and go deep. You deserve this, champ, you won a game of baby volleyball and you need a win this week after the FDA banned Puff bars from retail stores. 

Despite how it may appear, and the very obvious fact that women are incapable of playing sports, Spikeball is a game for everyone and can be enjoyed by all. So throw on your snapback, off your shirt and get ready for a sport that can only be classified as “uhhh probably better than golf?”