Perhaps it was the 20th time viewing the recap headlines of the walk-off winning kick from Saturday’s game, but this weekend made me sink into my feels.

Sure, all was not lost in Madison — women’s hockey is still undefeated, men’s hockey swept the reigning national champions and volleyball is absolutely dominating conference play. But football — football can set a mood for the whole rest of the school.

This notion inside myself led to my discovery of a new condition — the “football feels.” The “football feels” have many states, but here’s a manual to determining if you can diagnose yourself a la WebMD with the syndrome and how to remedy its effects if so.

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Football feels types

There are two main states of “football feels,” — high-riding and utter despair. The former variety is typically caused by a range of football scenarios, including four shutouts and dominating the entire state of Michigan. High-riding tends to affect Badger fans in the first weeks of the football season, before inevitable disappointment ensues. Typically, this type of the condition arises gradually, especially as the Badgers’ AP poll ranking reaches the single digits.

More common as the weather gets a little chilly and the midterms start piling on, the “utter despair” type of feels besets a large populace of UW students. Causes may include unexpected losses to unranked teams, Jack Coan interceptions and memes infiltrating the common consciousness from University of Minnesota students. Sudden onset of this type is common.

What’s the difference between “football feels” and other emotional shifts?

“Football feels” are solely derived from football games and are independent of midterms and other stressors. These feels typically occur around 2 p.m., which is otherwise an unusual time for sad boi hours. These feels are also not to be confused with feels caused by soccer, which coincidentally also saw its fall from Madison sports grace within the past week. Soccer and football are so confusing out of U.S. contexts, which makes this condition centralized in the U.S., and particularly Madison this week.

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What are the symptoms of “football feels”?

Symptoms vary wildly between Type I and Type II.

Type I symptoms may include:

  • Singing loudly
  • Posting cocky tweets about football
  • Claiming the Upper Peninsula as part of Wisconsin
  • Looking ahead to The Ohio State University game
  • General mirth and glee

Type II symptoms may include:

  • Sobbing
  • Going to Trader Joe’s to buy $4.49 wine
  • Donning a paper bag
  • Sinking into carpet, becoming part of it
  • Taking up violin playing

How are “football feels” treated?

There are several ways to address and treat “football feels” aggressively. The first way is to immediately drop out of school and transfer to a college which doesn’t have a football team, like Oklahoma City University.

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If living in Oklahoma seems a little drastic for you, there are more localized ways to rid yourself of the feels. Attend any hockey or volleyball game to feel better about Badger sports. They’re all pretty dominant right now, unlike some, ahem, other teams.

Tickets aren’t in your future? Go to Qdoba. It’s Jonathan Taylor-approved for feeling a little better late at night (Note: I am taking this approval from one off-the-record conversation in a Smith Hall elevator in 2018). Queso and guac are free, and you’re going to need all of the toppings you can get to help the pain go away.

Can medications help rid myself of the feels?

Some might say 10 cans of Natty Light will do the trick. I caution against this. For one, why would you pick Natty Light as your medication of choice? For two, beer is not a medication. For three, 10 Natty Lights is never a good option.

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Do I need to see a doctor if I think I have “football feels”?

No trip to UHS is necessary. As an MCAT prep instructor teaching you about football over an article, I think this is a well-qualified place to address your issues.