We played a really good football game this week, but sadly no one, not even Bucky’s 5th Quarter, has yet to write about it.

This is very sad because the Badgers are a good team and they haven’t lost yet. Because of this, all of their games should be reported on. The lack of reports this week is frightening and downright wrong.

Luckily, I’m trying my hat at being a football writer again to bring readers the full take away’s from this week’s Badger game.

Observing sports culture as a non-fan attending a football schoolAllow me to preface my writing by saying this: I am not an Oscar-the-Grouch-esque individual who sits at the sports Read…

I don’t know who we played, must’ve been ghosts

So yeah I couldn’t find any opposing team in my research which can only mean one thing; the Badgers played a bunch of ghosts.

Ok everyone, ghosts are spooky. I’ve covered this through investigative journalism several times. I really tried to think of good schools that could have teams named after ghosts. At first I thought Georgia would be a natural fit, then I remembered they chose to go for the menacing Bulldog look. I thought maybe a team from Greenwich Village would make sense before I recalled how NYU does not have a football team. Sigh.

A recap of headlines which didn’t really happenWhile there might be more accurate and thorough recaps of what happened this semester elsewhere in the paper, pivotal storylines Read…

With my lack of insight into the team, I am just guess-and-checking and calling them the Ghostville Ghosts. If I am wrong, feel free to send in a correction for next week’s column.

Nevertheless, ghosts can still conjure up a mighty strong team on the gridiron. The Badgers line truly faced a deep threat with this ghosty team. Due to the lack of stats available on the team prior to the game, it was impossible to tell if it would be an easy time for the Badgers to come out on top.

Even so, I remained pretty confident the team would end up alright.

Speaking of gridirons, who came up with that term? It sounds way too close to waffle irons and that just makes me hungry. Think of it, fluffy waffles in the shape of footballs doused with a healthy helping of crisp maple syrup. Mmmm.

Football: Neuville announces permanent retirementSixth-year senior Zander Neuville is no stranger to injuries. In 2017 the walk-on tight end tore his left ACL. The Read…

Jonathan Taylor didn’t get 4 touchdowns, can he still get the Heisman?

Jonathan Taylor was so consistent with his four touchdowns per game in the first two weeks that it is absolutely barnacles that he didn’t repeat it this week. True, I do not have the box score from the game, but since I did not see any reports I must assume it didn’t happen.

This really throws a wrench in JT’s Heisman campaign. How is he supposed to be considered elite when he can’t score four touchdowns against Ghosts????

These are the real questions that will need to be answered before we can even preview the Michigan game. With so much uncertainty in the air, it’s really not possible for any Badger to breathe properly.

I would like to request a humidifier.

Football: Badgers continue dominance through two gamesAs a unit, the 2018 Badgers came into their season ranked No. 4 in the nation. A clear preseason playoff Read…

This is the first football game in awhile where no one scored

I couldn’t find any points scored in my research either, meaning this indeed was a scoreless tie game. The last time this happened was in 1983 when Oregon and Oregon State collectively managed to turn the ball over 11 times and miss four field goal attempts. This prompted some to call it “The Toliet Bowl.”

Yikes.

Again, I do not have a box score, but I can only assume with spectral opponents, other factors were at play here. For one, when playing ghosts in any sport, the opposing coach can never tell what the play call will be. This is because ghosts are invisible.

When the play call cannot be seen, this gives the ghosts a supreme advantage because of the sneaky factor. One might try to block a ghost, but since they cannot be seen most attempts are futile.

Despite this, it appears the Ghosts weren’t too up to par on their basic athletic skills, as one would think this advantage would lead to mass amounts of scoring. It’s certainly a disappointment for their team, but the Badgers can take this draw in stride.

 

… Oh, it was a bye week? This early? Huh, good to know.