Left, right, left, right, left, right. No, this is not high school marching band drill instructions, but the age-old Tinder swiping process to find that special someone. I’ve been there, you’ve been there. Yes, all college students have been there. 

And if you haven’t, you will be. Tinder will eventually find us all. The hard part is, how the hell do you find that perfect match?

Not to brag or anything, but I myself have been banned from Tinder almost half a dozen times. Yeah, I’d say it’s a knack of mine. They’ve got a pretty damn good security system, too. Which is why I am the perfect Tinder expert to bring you youngsters under my wing and teach you the art of swiping. 

It is a craft that must be nurtured delicately, and I am humble enough to admit that I have mastered it. So, let me provide you — and by you I mean the horny, 21-year-old-but-pre-pubescent-minded “men” out there — with some tips and tricks for matching with that special someone… who you have already matched with before but will never message. 

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Your pictures. 

Now, these bad boys are essential to finding a match. If you have too few pictures, or none of your face, well, take a seat, kiddo. Left swipes are a-comin’ your way. Everyone’s looking for that perfect garden variety of photos. 

“Oh, they like coffee and coffee shops! Sweet.”

“They ski and like to travel! Yes, me too!”

Things are going well, too well, they keep swiping. There it is. Fourth picture. You’re standing there, a limp fish in hand, grinning with the boys and a few brewskis. They really thought you were the one. Let’s rethink dead animal pictures and try again.

Pick up lines? 

Scratch them, hit your match with the classic “wyd,” or compelling and flavorful, “hey.” Both are honestly so creative, you’re BOUND to get a date with those starters. If you’re looking for something more than a casual fling, make sure to keep your responses as dry as possible. The best catches want minimal brain effort in conversation, so as to show that your blood is flowing elsewhere. Ahem. 

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And last, but not least —

The date. 

Okay, a few tips for the fellas. Of course, only meet your lovely date at night when they feel safest and most comfortable. Most sane people are inclined to get ready for a date after the hours of midnight, when the “wyd,” text rolls in. 

Take them somewhere nice, like Flamingo Run or something. And if they don’t ask for a second date, well, their loss! You’re a one in a million, Kyle, let’s brush it off and keep on swipin’.

Dating is hard. But with these tips, you’ll get stood up in coffee shops and James Madison Park in no time. Just remember — don’t let your date get a word in edgewise, talk about your mom excessively and whip it out on location. Happy swiping!