Five alternatives for underclassmen whose fakes no longer scan

Can't get into bars? Here's a list of things you can do instead

· Apr 5, 2022 Tweet

Bars give bouncers a $10 "finder's fee" for confiscating and turning in fake IDs.

It started out as murmurs, mere rumblings, of a scandal so profound that underage college students everywhere began to scramble with the threat and sheer terror that their drunken, bar-filled nights were coming to a close. Because what is undergrad at the University of Wisconsin without experiencing That Night that makes thousands of previous underclassmen shiver at just the mere thought (“That Night” being $1 Long Island Night at Lucky’s)? What about going to Whiskey Jack’s on Quarter Drink Night and slowly realizing that drinks are actually not a quarter all night?

In the evolution of bar-entrance technology, newly developed scanners have made it more difficult for underage partakers to enter establishments. This has made a lot of fake IDs that previously scanned unable to do so now.

So, what does that mean for underage students? Well, they might need to evaluate their tactics to continue drunkenly dancing on the shakey platforms at Brats or riding the sweaty, sticky bull at Red Rock. So here are five alternatives if you are one of the unlucky many that has experienced this traumatic loss in the past weeks.

1. Move to Europe

With the drinking age as low as 16 for beer and wine in countries like Germany, just do a quick easy relocation 5,000 miles away to be able to legally consume alcoholic beverages. It’s that simple. Plus, you can get an authentic German beer stein to replace the one from Essen Haus.

2. Rep 18+ clubs

The vibe of an 18+ club is unlike any other. On your right there is a sweaty, freshly 18-year-old with two giant, thick black “X” marks on the back of her hands where her skin is blotchy and red from trying to wash them off and on your left is an even sweatier middle aged man questionably drinking a bloody mary while suspiciously scanning the room, making you wonder why he is even in there in the first place.

3. Stop going to bars

It’s like in Catholic high schools where abstinence-only sex education runs rampant, yet teen pregnancies still seem to occur. I guess if you can’t figure it out, maybe just stop doing it. There are so many things you could do with your night other than going to bars, including playing Catan, whistling and reorganizing your spice drawer.

My personal favorite sober activity is watching my 5th-grader-sized lady palm slowly droop as I fail to properly care for it even after almost two years of trying.

4. Attend random house parties

On my first night after moving into college, extraneous members of my Sellery floor and I just walked up and down Mifflin Street until we saw a house that looked inviting enough for a group of 12 to stroll right in. It wasn’t the best party ever, quite possibly the worst actually and something I hope my parents never learn. But, the thought now of walking into a random house just because people were playing loud music seems camp.

5. Go to dorm parties

Even if you’re late into sophomore, or hell, junior year by now, bask in the fluorescent light of flashing LEDs one more time before college ends. There are some, though admittedly not many, positives to a classic dorm party. Possibly the most important is the access to restrooms. Although the ever-chaotic scene of a bar bathroom is commonly a major plus to the nightlife experience, sometimes the ladies room line requires a lengthy wait. If you attend a dorm party — let’s say you’re in Ogg — the luxury of a smaller utopian-esque communal bathroom can be your solace from the comp sci/pre-business freshmen cracking open a Four Loko Gold while “UCLA” plays.

In conclusion, your social life isn’t over … just stunted. If you believe it, you can achieve it.


This article was published Apr 5, 2022 at 12:30 pm and last updated Apr 3, 2022 at 9:32 am


UW-Madison's Premier Independent Student Newspaper

All Content © The Badger Herald, 1995 - 2024