Ladies and gentleman, what exactly is hotter than a president? Oh… a lot of things? Especially recently? Okay, fine, I can see your point.
The last couple of guys have left a lot to be desired in the “looks” department. I mean, a geriatric old man just replaced a somehow less fuckable Prime Minister Boris Johnson.
But in light of Valentine’s Day — scratch that, President’s Day — I think we all need a firm reminder that there have been some presidential hotties in the past.
But first, a few ground rules.
Firstly, this list is based on pure looks. I’ll be judging these men the same way Democrats judged the 2020 primaries — when it comes to the candidate I choose, policies will not matter.
Secondly, I can’t use presidents that only have portrait paintings of them for SO many reasons that I just don’t have the time to get into today.
Finally — this is a rule for you guys — no angry comments that your presidential fuckbuddy wasn’t on this list, okay? This is just my opinion. I know presidents can be a pretty charged subject, but please keep your discussions civil.
Here are my Top Five Most Fuckable Presidents in History:
5) George W. Bush
Taking the last spot on my list is ole Georgie. A very average looking man, six feet tall and not too shabby I suppose. One redeeming quality, however — he is known as the “fun” president.
Bush is notorious for going absolutely wild in his younger life. And with all that party experience, I’m positive that this man knows a few tricks.
For example, I just KNOW he’d work his way slowly up to my ear and whisper cute little lies like, “your eyes are incredible,” or “you’re the best looking one here” or “I am in no way responsible for the Great Recession.”
Just so naughty.
But unfortunately, his completely standard looks and uncomfortable country twang dropped him to the bottom of this short list.
4) Abraham Lincoln
He’s 6’4’’… done… DONE. He’s the tallest president in the nation’s history, and, sure, he wasn’t exactly jacked or anything, but let’s consult the Jacked vs. Tall Fuckability Chart.
When reading the chart, you can see that there are two clear zones separated by the diagonal line. If one is above the line, then they’re golden, but if one is below the line… then they have some serious problems.
For example, if you’re only five feet tall, but you’re incredibly jacked, then it’s fairly reasonable to conclude that you fuck. On the other hand, if you don’t have much muscle, but you’re over six feet tall, you’re probably good. And this is EXACTLY the zone that Abe falls into.
3) John F. Kennedy
Listen, Listen, Listen! When he was serving as president, I don’t think he looked that good. I know — unpopular opinion, right? Something about his eyes makes me uncomfortable.
With that all being said, I dare you to search “JFK young” and not feel something when you’re confronted by his aerodynamic face.
No date, no problem: Your guide to third wheeling (not based off real experience)First off, in case anyone was wondering, third wheeling is my favorite position. It’s flexible, pretty comfortable — depending on Read…
(Not to go too long on this whole “young JFK” thing, but dude, LOOK IT UP. There’s this super hot picture of him… shirtless… in a pool… and he’s kinda jacked, but like, skinny jacked? Like, he’s got some muscle, and I’d definitely be able to feel it if I casually grabbed his arm or whatever. I mean, if we consulted the Jacked vs. Tall Fuckability Chart, he’d pass with flying colors, just saying. But yeah, sorry, quick little side note, moving on.)
This man has also had some pretty big accomplishments in his older life —
(Okay, I’m SO sorry, but back to his younger pictures for just one second. There’s this colorized picture of him on a boat where he’s kind of looking back at the camera, and his jawline is STRONG. On top of that he has this nice little half smile, and taking the earlier picture into consideration, he has the body to back those features up.)
Anyway, yeah, he nabbed third place.
2) Barack Obama
Obama gets the number two spot because he’s just a package deal.
He’s 6’1’’, handsome and quite honestly, sweet. He’d really make an encounter all about me, you know? Like, I want him to treat me like he treated Wall Street in 2009 — pamper me up, spoil me rotten and bail me out, that 6’1’’, red-hot dreamboat.
His facial construction leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination, allowing him to easily clinch the number two spot.
1) Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Hey, so… you know how I said that I wouldn’t take any policies into consideration?
Well, I lied.
When it comes to presidents, FDR is a fairly good looking guy. But man’s policies make me feel a certain way. Those public projects… those financial reforms… those pro-worker regulations… whew!
In a world where sexual encounters can be rather stale, I NEED him to lay down a “New Deal” on my body. Oh, he was also 6’2’’, so with all of that pro-worker sexual energy in that towering frame I think everyone would agree with me that this man has to be the most fuckable president in history.