Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and the data shows that hundreds of Badgers are unhappy with their sex lives.

Of the students surveyed, 64% reported strong feelings of discontent with their normal weekend trysts from Tinder and Wando’s, 51% reported remorse over the low number of public hookups they’ve managed to accumulate and 99% said their sex lives would be enriched by contracting at least one STD.

It’s clear that there is an epidemic of sexual dissatisfaction on this campus, folks. I think it’s high time we do something about it. And what better way to flaunt your sexual prowess than with a few public hanky-panky stories and a disturbing rash downstairs?

Lucky for you guys, I am not just 90 pounds worth of shit-posts in a pair of corduroys. I am also an expert on choosing the best campus location for a quickie with that sexy stranger you locked eyes with at Flamingo Run in Dejope.

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So if you’re looking for a few of the hottest places for Badgers to catch gonorrhea this V-Day, then book an appointment for a penicillin shot and read on.

#4: The steam tunnels

This one is a given. The tunnels are private, dangerous, and — most importantly for this list — steamy. They are perfect for those students who are already well-versed in public exposure and want to try something a little more adventurous.

From the trespassing to the omnipresent danger of asbestos poisoning or geysers of boiling hot steam scalding off your knob goblin, the steam tunnels are truly the best place on campus to get a steamy STD.

#3: The bathrooms in SoHE

Now let’s say you’re really in love or just feeling a little bougie. Why not take your honey somewhere special? I have to recommend the bathrooms in the School of Human Ecology.

There is ambient lighting, an abundance of sensitive Community and Nonprofit Leadership majors, roomy stalls and even chalkboards to diagram the more complicated positions. These are the optimal bathrooms to bang one out after touring the student art galleries.

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#2: Lakeshore path

What could be more romantic than a secluded lakeside bone sesh next to half a poorly rolled spliff, a used condom and a soggy Biology 101 syllabus? If you really want to impress one of those eco-conscious GreenHouse girls, this is the spot to beat.

Just remember to hang a “Do Not Disturb” sign on a nearby tree to discourage the local freshman stoners from asking to borrow a lighter.

#1: The bathrooms in Humanities

Folks, there is a very good reason maintenance had to install those signs outside the ground floor bathrooms begging people to stop boinking in the stalls.

There is not a campus location more likely to both give you the clap and get you mugged than here. But since the adrenaline rush makes for some super hot action, it’s well worth the risk.