Aries

Aries, babe, this is going to be your semester. You know what worked and what didn’t in the fall, so take this knowledge to become a better person. Or at least pretend to become a better person for the people around you. Start journaling, or better yet, call a therapist… for everyone else’s sake.

Taurus

My sweet, you’ve been asking, “when is it my turn to let loose?” You’ve been so focused on uplifting others and pleasing the masses, you’ve forgotten about yourself. This spring, try to find comfort in rituals — like maintaining your hair or posting thirst traps every week. Eat carbs when you want and only take pictures that flatter your butt.

Gemini

Hi! How are you? Terrible? Figures. You’re going to find spring semester much more refreshing than fall. No, this still doesn’t mean going to “small get-togethers” to recharge your social battery. Just because you’re going crazy, Gemini, doesn’t mean you need to drive us up the wall too. Stop going on Omegle. 

Highlights from this year! They exist! Kind of! Yay!2020 is like your third-grade birthday. You know, the one you were looking forward to because you had a cool Read…

Cancer

After crying to your Squishmallow every night over break, you’ll also find spring semester refreshing, dear Cancer. That is, until you remember you don’t have a job lined up after school, all your friends hate you and you’re breaking out by the second. Take a deep breath, put on a face mask and buy five bottles of wine at once. It’s the only way you’re going to get through that 101 class you have to take for your certificate.

Leo

If you’re a single Leo, I envision love in the air come February. Whether it’s that one person you keep matching with on every dating app or an old friend who always repulsed you, romance will blossom if you let it, Leo. If you’re taken, I can only imagine you and your partner will get feisty this semester — remember that your love-hate relationship is still half love. Invest in an all-natural lubricant.

Virgo

I know this semester is just another 14 credits to you, Virgo. Just another four classes to put on your DARS and glide gracefully through. But spring will be special — you can feel it. Don’t back down from your intuitions and let your freak flag fly. You’re only living in the second semester of a life-ruining pandemic once. So, YOLO, ya’know?

Spook-a-scopesIt’s Halloween season. Which means every poser on the block is trying to pretend they’re in touch with their inner Read…

Libra

Hey babe, something tells me you want to start living life to the fullest this semester. Which is great, but before you do, you have to remember you have responsibilities and crap. Like a lot of them. Cut yourself some slack, but also step up. Balance your scales by shotgunning a Red Bull and deep cleaning your kitchen cabinets.

Scorpio

Stop seeking validation on dating apps, Scorpio. Buck up and ask your classmate from a 20-person Zoom lecture on a date. You could use a little rejection. This semester is going to be like any other one, Scorp. It’s truly up to you if you’re going to change the course of 2021 or let 2021 change you. Don’t simply be a passenger — take the handlebars of this tandem bike that has a leaky tire. 

Sagittarius

This semester might rock if you remember to refill your medications, Sagittarius. You want to start the school year off strong, but your flame might dwindle near the end of Syllabus Week if you’re not careful. Pace yourself, Sag, or else the dark depressing months of February, March and April will reflect the bed-ridden gloom of your worst hangover to date. Take an Advil and log into Showtime. It might pleasantly surprise you.

TBH: Looking back on 2020 completely candidlyJanuary TBH… we were rooting for you. WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! We had so much faith in you. Read…

Capricorn

Sometimes you don’t need to impress everyone, young Cap. You probably discovered you physically and mentally could not last in fall semester. This one is no different. Though you think you’re going to write for two publications, kill your three jobs and remain on the Dean’s List, don’t forget to take a chill pill every once and a while. Look out for lovers when getting tested for COVID-19.

Aquarius

Aquarius, you came to terms with your learning style last semester, and you know what finally works for you. Keep staying true to yourself and continue skipping readings for class. Your intuitive nature will tell you when it’s necessary to attend online lecture. Until then, keep day drinking. You’re doing great.

Pisces

Another water sign, another over-simplified emotional characterization. You’ve been a little depressy since break, Pisces. Take the first few days back in Mad-town to recharge and get back in touch with yourself. Be creative with your get-togethers and splurge on cheese every now and then. Buy Funyuns! Whatever it takes, sweets.