Today marks day two of my unfortunate and idiotic journey towards living through an entire school week subsisting off of only free food, and I am in no way happy about my decision to do this.

It’s been a bleak 48 hour stretch to say the least. On my first day, I reached a personal low point when I followed a student’s tip for some nearby free grub at the local Kwik Trip.

At Kwik Trip I redeemed a deal from the Hooked app for a free eight ounces of soup. Instead of soup, I filled my dismal vessel with mac and cheese and consumed it sitting on the bike rack outside, reflecting on all the wrongs I’d committed that must have led me to that moment. I nabbed a couple packets of soup crackers as well, and if I’d known what kind of food drought I was about to encounter I would have stuffed every pocket full.

After that meager serving of macaroni, I went the next full 30 hours without a single bit of food. To be clear, I do not recommend this in any way. It’s a terrible idea. The physical symptoms of my chronic hunger were remarkably unpleasant.

Hunger, loud tummy grumbling in class, light-headedness and general body weakness haunted me constantly.

I’d wander into a grocery store in search of free samples and end up only being maddeningly taunted by a myriad of different foods, all of which were just out of my grasp. The smell of cooking food became a painful reminder I quickly began to dread as I biked by restaurants on the way to class, and I began to loathe every person I saw who had the guile to enjoy food in my presence.

However, I toughed through my foodless Tuesday morning, managed to stave off my frequent and powerful urges to cheat, and made it through the day to a source of potential nutrition; the student org fair.

I paced hungrily through the Kohl center, gorging on candy until I found what I’d been hoping so desperately for. Set aside from the main flow of foot traffic, the Key Club booth offered me sweet salvation in the form of a Maruchan Chicken Ramen packet.

I’ve never been in love before, but I learned what it feels like when I spied that free-of-charge, sodium-rich treat set out for me.

I returned home, had the most transcendent bowl of ramen of my life, burned myself pretty badly in the excitement and headed almost immediately out the door in search of pizza for the coming day.

I found it, with some reluctance, at the kickoff meeting for the Badger Ballroom Dance Team. Although I had to endure a clumsy, painful hour of dance instruction, I left a man rich in cheese and crust. With two pieces of pizza inside of me and four more stashed in a Ziploc bag I brought from home, it was well worth dealing with the strange ballroom dancers, acrylic sparkly vests, and outlandish pointy shoes.

I am admittedly still riding a pizza theft high as I write this, but I still believe I am clearheaded enough to offer the following advice: Do not do this. It’s an awful idea. I am making this sacrifice in the name of scientific progress so that my fellow Badgers do not have to. If you value your well being and your time, do not follow in my truly foolish footsteps.