In the beginning, there was nothing.
Then, there was the son of TZ.com. And it was good.
Star high school athletics has-been and Badger Herald drunkard Sean Zak relived his high school glory days and then some Friday afternoon at Vilas Park, hauling in three Gentle Clown touchdown passes and an interception to seal a 28-14 thrashing of the Dirty Birds.
The win marks the third-consecutive victory for the Badger Herald over their lesser adversaries at the Daily Cardinal, as Zak capped off his MVP performance by garnering 20 phone numbers from avid admirers on the Dirty Bird squad.
“I’ve just never had to not try so hard in my life,” Zak said, holding the keg hose in one hand and the game ball in the other. “Seriously, it felt like I was playing with midgets out there. And now, I will celebrate this glorious performance with much belching and fantasizing of a potential amateur golfing career.”
Capping off the Clowns’ victory in true Bret Bielema vs. Tim Brewster fashion was quarterback Elliot Hughes, who, instead of electing to kneel the ball down and run out the clock in the waning seconds, decided to throw a heave to the long and lanky rookie phenom Nick Daniels.
Daniels promptly snapped up the ball with arms reminiscent of “Stretch Armstrong” and Michael Jordan’s final dunk in “Space Jam,” as he and his piercing steel-blue eyes high stepped their way into the end zone and the hearts of Heralders everywhere.
When asked why he went for a show-boat score at the end, Hughes was anything but remorseful.
“There’s something in my playbook that says when you’re playing the rival paper and you’re up seven with five seconds left, you throw a bomb,” Hughes said between puffs of his victory cigar and repetitive twirling of his beard.
Sports content editor Nick Korger made little friends amongst the Dirty Birds with a physical style of play that can only be likened to the wine-laced killing rage of Hercules, slamming the hapless Cardinal receivers to the ground on several plays to the dismay of his campus underlings.
While the Dirty Birds whined and begged for flags, referee Mike Eggert was having none of it.
“I guess when your newspaper’s only real uses are as a door-stop because of all the copies left over when nobody picks them up or as a cheap replacement for dorm room toilet paper, I’d be pretty upset too,” Eggert said between sets of 100 push-ups.
Led by a raucous, raving speech by Editor-in-Chief and Dictator-for-Life from Ryan “Derkin” Rainey involving something about zoo animals and the editor’s amazing thirst in the drink-off, the Heralders embraced the wild frenzy of their unquestioned leader. After hearing the speech, Hughes and Sports Editor Ian McCue chest-bumped so hard before the game that McCue’s sternum snapped in half, setting the tone for the game.
“It’s just not even a challenge anymore,” Rainey said. “I’m starting to consider the idea of putting the Badgers on our schedule next year. I think I can … scratch that, I KNOW I can outcoach Bielema. It’s not even close.”
