Baking soda and vinegar, whiskey and fireworks, sorority girls and Lakeshore dorm residents, Bret Bielema and an all-you-can-eat buffet, Keystone Light and Asian Kitchen. All of these pairs are dangerous when combined and make for catastrophic results. But none of these combinations is as dangerous and lethal as the annual flag football game between rival campus newspapers.
With late Thursday downpours turning Vilas Park into something resembling a goose shit-ridden water slide from the depths of hell, Friday’s game between the Gentle Clowns of The Badger Herald and the Dirty Birds of the Daily Cardinal has been officially deemed “The Battle for a Pair of Dry Underwear.”
“Another year, another Herald football win; God I’m getting sick of how one-sided this shit has been!” editor-in-chief and Fearless Dictator-for-Life Ryan “Durkin” Rainey screamed in unfathomable rage.
The heroic, gentrified laborers of The Badger Herald look to defeat their wanton, loathsome filth of adversaries Friday with the help of a standout wide receiving corps more backwoods hillbilly than the cast of “Swamp People,” “Duck Dynasty” and “Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo” combined.
“Growing up wit four othur brutherrs, momma and poppa didn’t have no room fer us in da shed,” Madison yokel and star receiver Nick “Hams” Korger whistled through his three remaining teeth. “Sew dey used ta keep us out in da backyurd and made uz play der futball teh decide who get ta sleep on da porch.”
The noodle-brained Korger will be joined along the edges by newcomer and high school athlete has-been Sean Zak, who has been watching film of himself in high school in his run-down, rusty trailer home while drinking cases ofPBRand itching himself constantly.
“Yeah, I was all-state back in the day, no big deal,” Zak bragged, putting a big plug of Skoal in while brandishing his favorite grease-stained Dale Earnhardt Jr. shirt as his beer gut hung out of his sweat pants. “With the help of some in-depth advice from TZ.com and a longer mullet, I’m looking forward to stomping those fecal-eating, mushroom-faced fart sandwiches at the DC on Friday.”
Several ambulances, a fire truck and a local funeral home will be on standby at Vilas Park as Editorial Board member and perennial defensive anchor Sarah Witman returns for one last mission of vengeance against the dirtiest of birds. Training in an undisclosed, mountainous, snowy-as-fuck region of Siberia with Sylvester Stallone, Yoda, Chris Borland, Al Roker and Charlie Sheen, Witman has returned to Madison sporting a full beard and an accent thicker than the borscht Vladimir Putin’s grandmother made for him.
“SARAHSMASH!” screamed Witman between incredible leaps and bounds, destroying new pavement and plowing over innocent commuters on foot during stand-still traffic on Charter Street.
A random urine test on Deputy News Editor and shutdown cornerback Elliot Hughes came up clean, although rumors persisted that Hughes used the Original Whizzinator and squirrel urine to hide his usage of methamphetamines, painkillers, Beer 30 and low-grade cattle growth hormone.
But nothing compares to the pain-bringing demon of the newest defensive end on the Clowns, skull-crusher and feline aficionado Katie “Cat Lady” Caron.
Born and raised by feral cats in the wilderness of the god-forsaken lands of Minnesota, Caron developed super-reflexes and a taste for Meow Mix but, as a result, can only communicate in broken English because of her limited time in civilization.
Fellow cat lover and all-around badass Taylor Nye serves as Caron’s translator and the Herald’s defensive coordinator. Nye revealed in the last few days she’s been dreaming up blitzing schemes so complex they would make Stephen Hawkings’ head explode.
“I wouldn’t say this game is going to be as one-sided as the quality of the papers … but who am I fucking kidding”? Nye said in her Thursday press conference, which was attended by her cats, dressed in suits.
The Clowns still have an ace up their sleeve as well. Somewhere, in the unexplored depths of Mendota Lake, lies the notorious and feared design department of The Badger Herald. Rising every night from the icy waters only to feed on Skittles and finish special design requests, it remains unclear if Angus “Bear Killer” McNair and Sigrid “Flapjack” Hubertz will awaken in time to partake in the rotisserie-style slaughter of the Dirty Birds.
The Herald’s injury list is lengthy, with free safety Leah Linschied doubtful (Taylor Swift addiction), outside linebacker Reginald Young questionable (Bieber Fever), head coach Ian McCue on thePUP(not athletic), Kelly Erickson probable (gingervitis) and leading tackler Leopoldo “Polo” RochaMIA(overslept).
