While its rule over the journalism world remains as unquestioned as ever since its birth in 1969, The Badger Herald reaffirmed its supremacy on the football field Friday for the second year in a row.

Quarterback Elliot Hughes picked apart the hapless Dirty Bird defense with three touchdown passes in the 19-13 victory, while the Herald defensive line of Peter Hoeschele, Michael Bleach and Carolyn Briggs consistently mugged Daily Cardinal signal-caller Parker Gabriel and the rest of his inept offense.

With an efficient offense that would arouse any engineer and a crafty defense that would earn kudos from Sun Tzu, the Gentle Clowns were hardly surprised by Friday’s win.

“One does not simply walk into a football game against the Gentle Clowns and win,” offensive tackle/head coach Mike Fiammetta said, building up the inner “Lord of the Rings” fan within him. “There is greatness here that does not sleep. Not with 10,000 men could you do this. It is folly.”

The Gentle Clowns’ mettle was tested early after falling behind 6-0 on a deep pass into the endzone. But rather than just fold, the Herald offense simply shrugged its shoulders and went to fucking town on the Cardinal.

The Gentle Clowns rattled off two touchdowns within the final minutes of the first half to take a 13-6 lead at the break. Hughes’ catalogue of options at wide receiver showed off their ability and even made Aaron Rodgers jealous, as Eric Wiegmann out-leaped and out-muscled Cardinal defenders for the Herald’s first score.

After the defense quickly smacked around the Cardinal offense for four plays, the Gentle Clowns took back possession.

Moments later, the Herald offensive line carved a nice pocket for Hughes to step in and heave the ball downfield to Max Henson.

Despite a Dirty Bird defender getting a hand on the pass, Henson pulled off an astounding acrobatic touchdown catch that inspired NFL-great Randy Moss to end his retirement and once again seek employment in the pros.

“Dear Max,” Moss’ letter began. “Your exploits on the field Friday have exposed the error in my ways. Never before have I seen a man make such a fool out of someone morally and physically as you did. You have aroused an appetite within me, and I dedicate the remainder of my career to you.”

In the Gentle Clowns’ first possession of the second half, the offense moved down the field with such ease that Hughes actually took time to stop and do the YMCA with legendary former head coach Adam Holt as he stood on the sidelines.

That didn’t interrupt the Gentle Clowns’ flow, though, as Wiegmann snagged another touchdown reception minutes later in the corner of the endzone to take a 19-6 lead.

“That play came to me in a dream, actually,” said editor-in-chief Signe Brewster, who recommended it to offensive coordinator Ian McCue. “I think Ian was skeptical of it at first, but after he saw me drink their EIC, Kayla Johnson, under the table, he knew I could do no wrong when it comes to competing against the Cardinal.”

From there, other than allowing one more score, the Gentle Clown defense continued to roughhouse the Dirty Birds and close out the day with a 19-13 win.

On a last-minute drive to tie up the game, Cardinal quarterback Parker Gabriel led the offense into Herald territory but ultimately could not dissect the secondary and keep the Dirty Birds alive.

The Gentle Clowns took over, and, in a true Rudy moment, Ryan Rainey stepped onto the field for a play that won him the game ball.

Like a true champion would, Rainey took the decisive knee that flatlined the Cardinal’s heart monitor.

“There’s nothing like putting the cherry on top,” Rainey said. “To just sit back with a smile on your face and deliver the final blow to some fools who think they can actually compete, it’s a great feeling.”

Unfortunately, the subsequent scene turned ugly fast. Defender Sam Sussman rushed past the Herald offensive line and knocked Rainey to the ground, whose knee had already touched down and ended the game.

“I just can’t stand it, man,” Sussman said later. “The Badger Herald beats us all the time in journalism, drinking and sports. It’s just really hard for all of us to work at the Daily Cardinal when you constantly lose. I think I can speak for us all when I say that we wish we could be that good.”