United Gays of America

Thoughts on gays across the country (from a gay man)

· Oct 27, 2022 Tweet

Yonah Davis/The Badger Herald

Imagine — you are a young, gay man, facing a seemingly simple dilemma — deciding where to live to let your life truly begin. With the closets gone, pearls clutched and knowledge of pop culture refined, these young men face the second most difficult choice they will ever make.

Chicago, New York, LA, D.C. or Seattle? The borders of these cities are geographically small, but each offers Dorothy’s friends countless opportunities, from brunching to kikiing. While there are other cities in the U.S., none but these shining five are an idealized option in these young men’s minds.

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We begin in our nation’s capital, where the Washington, D.C., gays are defined much like politicians — behind closed doors. Here, gays can live out their darkest and most primal desires in the open, talking shit. Secrets, rumors, affairs and slights fly in this city and the gays here have their nets out to catch them.

The D.C. gays have their fingers in all the right places, dropping names, exes and past crimes for their own petty ends. I’ve never admired anyone’s willingness to avenge more.

Traveling north, we encounter our nation’s other capital — the capital of culture. New York City gays are at the forefront of all cultures, not just their own. They dress like Kurt Hummel, have the self-image of Sharpay Evans and the vision of Alexander McQueen.

Our well-rounded brethren will scream “yass” and offer insight into fine culture in the same breath, telling you the intricacies of the Met Gala outfits from before they were even conceived. These gays will quote poets and artists like they’re straight out of a school board member’s worst nightmare while dressing to a T no matter the time or day.

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Heading west, we encounter the crown jewel of the Midwest — Chicago. Fitting in with their city’s past of organized crime, underground deals and problematic government, these gays enjoy nothing more than a night on the town. They have too much fun for their own good, and you will encounter another culture of poppers, tequila, and parties day and night. They demonstrate the duality of man, pulling themselves together with an iced triple shot to take on the day.

In Los Angeles, you will encounter the hottest gays in the U.S. Taking after the climate of their city, these men will spend more time in the gym than they will with you. Each swears to have met up with some Hollywood bigwig, and by the looks of West Hollywood, they very well may have. However, the Botox might have addled their brains, because you won’t find much lurking behind their eyes.

Our discussion wouldn’t be complete without mentioning the gays who bear the trials of the Pacific Northwest with bravery and tenacity. Gays are like flowers, needing sunshine to survive, so the queers in Seattle only stay for one reason — money. They have more wealth than they know what to do with. Sugar babies, start your engines and wax your eyebrows, you’ve got a new mark.

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This article was published Oct 27, 2022 at 5:00 pm and last updated Oct 27, 2022 at 12:28 pm

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