Spring break — we actually have one this year! Some people are talking about blowing some serious cash on trips to Mexico and others are taking road trips to Gulf Shores — though if you chose this option I think you need to sit down and ask yourself, why?

I for one am excited for a week in the country’s number one city, and you should be too.

If you’re like me and you’re sticking around Madison for the week, if you have a late start on your spring break planning or if you’re just looking to take a spontaneous trip, I have some amazing options for you.

1. The bottom of Lake Mendota

While all your friends are off scuba diving in Mexico, you could be exploring the gorgeous rocky bottom of Lake Mendota. The Gulf of Mexico only has coral reefs, but Lake Mendota has a range of algae — not to mention the abundant numbers of walleye, bass and bluegill.

The brisk water temperatures will, no doubt, be better than the ocean. Who wants to swim in what feels and tastes like actual piss, anyway? But when you’re packing, don’t forget an underwater camera — pics or it didn’t happen.

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2. The Van Hise stairwell

Do you like hiking? Well, fuck Picnic Point. It’s cool for maybe two trips and there’s no elevation. The real hiking trip on campus is the stairwell of Van Hise Hall.

Avid hiker Jon Gallien attended this trip solo last semester to find himself — Alexander Supertramp-style. Apparently, it rocked his world.

“There’s really nowhere in the world that’s better for hiking,” Gallien said. “It was the perfect challenge for me and I learned a lot about the beauty of monotony.”

3. Chadbourne’s middle elevator

Who even wants to go to Disney or another basic-ass theme park with roller coasters when you could chill in Chadbourne’s middle elevator? It’s like the old Tower of Terror, except you never know if or when it’s going to free fall from the third floor to the first floor.

This trip even accounts for a day of complete serenity when the elevator inevitably gets shut down for maintenance. There won’t be any noise, because they won’t actually fix it!

When you get hungry, you can always head to the gourmet Rheta’s Market for the soggiest french fries of your life or the occasional piece of pizza wrapped in cardboard. Money-saving tip — eat the box, too! You won’t be able to tell the difference.

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4. The fourth floor of Mosse Humanities

Are you looking for an adventure this spring break? Were you a fan of Percy Jackson as a kid? Then this is just the trip for you.

The elusive fourth floor of the Humanities building is the perfect weekend — or eternal — getaway. Enter, Greek mythology. This destination features a literal Labyrinth, including shifting rooms, walls and halls. Don’t forget to pack some string!

Ariadne Theseus took this trip last year and she’s still exploring to this day. Some people say they can hear her cries during their lectures, but it’s just Theseus laughing with the Minotaur. That’s right, the Minotaur has jokes — the benefits of being hated as a kid.

5. Grainger Hall, a.k.a. the business school

If you’re looking to explore a different part of campus, you should take a trip to Grainger Hall. Sorry, I should make it clear that I’m assuming exactly zero finance majors are reading The Badger Herald — or anything, for that matter.

If you decide to go to Grainger, make sure you leave immediately when spring break ends or you will catch COVID-19 as soon as you come face-to-maskless-face with a business major returning from their daddy’s yacht in Bora Bora.

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The building’s library features hundreds of picture books for easy, recreational reading. Marketing major Josh Reynolds Sr. IX said the building is perfect for a chill week off.

“Yeah bro, the building is totally dark and sometimes you can get a professor to read you a bedtime story,” Reynolds Sr. IX said. “You could even bring a flask to the cafe and my boy Hoight Jr. III will mix you his famous jungle juice.”

Well, there you have it — the five best places to vacation on our lovely campus. These options will save you time, money and also from going on a shitty vacation to a warm beach somewhere.