With a let-them-eat-cake-esque moment on Twitter this week, Kim Kardashian reinvigorated the cannibalistic concept of wiping the good-intending-but-annoying-as-hell 1% off the face of this Earth. 

“After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could pretend things were normal just for a brief moment in time,” Kardashian wrote in her tweet, which featured quixotic photos of her and friends on a beach.

This caused an influx of memes thereafter, all using the same caption but with different photos of groups of people that I honestly didn’t recognize but still laughed at. 

Okay, so you know how you wake up in the morning everyday and your mind is subconsciously like, “there’s definitely a pandemic going on right now?” This week Kim woke up, heard that little voice in the back of her mind, told it “no ❤️” and COVID-19 listened like a little wimp. 

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The knowledge and perception of COVID-19 is optional to rich people. If they want to be aware of it, they’ll do so by saying “this really does suck.” When they don’t want to be aware of it, they’ll let the empathetic façade fall and post a picture of how awesome their life is on Instagram.

Look at the life of a rich person — for most of them, the worst thing about quarantine is losing out on movie premieres and concert tours. For others, the worst thing about quarantine was losing a job, losing a family member and/or getting sick without an insurance plan to back them up.

Ouch! That’s so real! Anyway, let’s talk about solutions.

Obviously, there are thousands of reasons why rich people need to go. Number one, they’re so corny. Did you guys watch Bezos and the other billionaires get questioned before the senate this summer? Bezos thought he did something by starting off with a cloy anecdote about his step-dad — as if a cool, totally not-unique-at-all story could detract away from the fact he makes millions of dollars each day by riding the coattails of his factory workers. 

Hey Jeff, if your step-dad’s so cool, why haven’t you ended world hunger yet? Thank u, next!

Number two, rich people have that professors-in-quarantine vibe. You know what I’m talking about, right? They email you saying how “unprecedented” these times are, then go unprecedent the fuck out of these times by piling on homework and introducing Honorlock. 

It’s the same with the wealthy. Throughout the pandemic we’ve constantly seen celebrities take heart about victims one day, then shamelessly flaunt their opulent lives the next without helping literally anyone. It’s not right – we should eat them.

In this strongly biased piece, I will first present you with evidence supporting consumption of the rich. This will strike a fervent, indignant anger in you, but don’t worry, I will soon make you happy again by providing a solution to this infuriating situation.

Evidence: 

  1. As of August, billionaires, together, in the U.S. increased their wealth by $637 billion over the course of the pandemic. Jeff Bezos alone saw his wealth grow $73.2 billion from March to September.
  2. From mid-March to late August, around 57.4 million Americans filed for unemployment benefits.
  3. Yeah ^ 🙁 

Solutions:

  1. Symbolically eat the rich by making cakes, putting the faces of rich people on them, and then going completely nuts on them — I’m talking one cake per person, face dive in the cake, no leftovers.
  2. Eat the rich, go to jail, but then join jail-tok (jail TikTok) as a consolation for the fact you’re in jail.
  3. Tell someone else to eat the local rich person in your neighborhood, congratulate them for starting a grassroots movement, then run when you see the police coming because technically you’re an accessory to murder in that scenario lol.

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At the end of the day, I’m not endorsing anthropophagy — that’s fully illegal — I’m just saying we need to end all of these people somehow. 

If I’m being honest, I don’t even know what would happen if we ate celebrities. There’s got to be a lot of bioaccumulated stuff in their system, like botox, augmentation synthetics, various drugs, unwarranted pride, etc. Any body flanked with that much privilege could be really hard to digest. 

All that being said, I still think it’s okay to dream about this collectivized movement of the 99%. My favorite part about demonizing the wealthy is that it’s a super agreeable topic. 

In the middle and lower class sectors, both liberals and conservatives all deal with (more or less, depending on race and gender) the same issues rich people don’t deal with. That is why for next week’s election chaos, if you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation with someone voting for a candidate you don’t like, all you say is — “man, I hate it when rich people don’t get affected by stuff, we should eat them!’ — then boom, discomfort avoided. 

Thank you for indulging me in this essay! Below is a quick list I’ve compiled for steps moving forward in the “Eat the Rich before 2020 Swallows Us into Oblivion” campaign. Reading this list, you will think it is longer than necessary. Don’t let that fool you into thinking it’s exhaustive, I was actually holding back. 

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Who we’re eating:

  • The Kardashians
  • First family of the White House, including the Kushners, but not Josh because he’s chill
  • Tech giants, included but not limited to: Bezos, Zuck, Elon, Gates, Tim Cook, Sundar Pichai and Jack Dorsey
  • Everyone who shops at Walmart and doesn’t mind it (not rich people but they still bother me)
  • Ellen DeGeneres 
  • Bella Thorne 
  • The entire cast of OBX (I know they’re hot, but really that would just make them taste better)
  • Chris Brown (the discography can stay but he’s gotten away with too much) 
  • 2/3 of Wall Street (keep the other 1/3 to make sure our stock market doesn’t completely capitulate, but make sure those who are staying are woke and pass the vibe check first)
  • Johnny Depp
  • David Spade 
  • Leonardo DiCaprio (I know his movies mean everything to this country but he needs to stop dating women 30 years younger than him – there are other celebrity climate change activists, so he’s easily replaceable)
  • Woody Allen (but not Soon-Yi) 
  • Timothée Chalamet (I’m not going to be graphic but he’s so frail and skinny you know exactly how easy it would be to eat him)

Who we’re not eating: 

  • Rihanna (cultural importance)
  • The entire cast of SNL, plus John Mulaney and Seth Meyers (we need their humor for the apocalypse) 
  • Cardi B (to make white boys mad)
  • Lizzo (doesn’t deserve it)
  • Robert Downey Jr. (would kill you if you tried to kill him)
  • Harry Styles (too much backlash)
  • Mindy Kaling (on condition season two of “Never Have I Ever” reaches Netflix by next year)
  • Dylan O’Brien (too important to be eaten)
  • The entire cast of Queer Eye
  • Trevor Noah 
  • Hasan Minhaj 
  • Christian Yelich (OK so he didn’t do that well this year WHATEVER he’s still hot)
  • Taylor Swift (you know she would come back to life anyway)
  • Bong Joon-Ho (cinematic contributions)
  • Zendaya (only normal person Disney has ever produced)