Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald


COVID-19 testing according to the stars

We take collective experiences and make them individualized for you!
Ahmad Hamid


Being impulsive and impatient can come at a cost … Aries had a total of five rejected tests this week! Was the pot of coffee they drank to blame for a bad sample? Or was it the poor planning for how to generate enough spit?



Warm-hearted by nature, Taurus’ are not shy to offer up their phone to the struggling person at the front of the line whose app just crashed. But they become frustrated when they use the hand sanitizer to clean it and now their phone smells like bread water.


Though they appear adaptable and put together on the surface, Geminis can be incredibly nervous and easily embarrassed. They have been closely watching those ahead of them in line to avoid messing up the process. When it’s their turn to spit, a Gem hopes no one is watching.

Spring semester scopes


Cancers have a hard time letting go of their emotions, frequently getting lost in their thoughts as they pass university buildings on their way to get tested. This sign is still mentally processing March 2020 and have yet to figure out how the app works, but it’s fine.


Leos may come across as abrasive and bossy at times, but they mean no harm. They consistently speak their mind about how they would improve the testing system. Leos are so bold they even speak to the students in line and testing site workers about how to improve the usability of the app and generate less plastic waste.


The meticulous mind and perfectionist soul of a Virgo drives them to prepare for the worst. Bundled in their Canada Goose jacket, they check their app every few minutes to ensure it’s still working and to make sure they’re at the right location. As they wait, Virgos grow increasingly worried for the safety of the person in front of them only wearing shorts!



Their love for romance and flirtatious attitude leave Libras’ minds to wonder. After seeing a cute person in the line, they imagine it can only be fate. How crazy would it be to tell everyone they met six feet apart in line for COVID testing?


Passionate, determined and loyal until the end. Scorpios are prone to jealousy and resent when they feel they have been wronged. This water sign goes to the same testing site every time without fail. All the way out at the Nielsen Tennis Stadium — no problem! Two-hour wait time — not even that bad! But one rejected sample and it’s over.


Sagittarius is the one wearing shorts in below 0° weather. Their optimistic spirit leads them to believe the line will not be too long. When questioned, they would boastfully state, “It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the wind.”

Feeling conceited? Silly horoscopes for your Sylly Week


Though they can be seen as “the quiet one,” Capricorns hide their humorous side. In fact, the COVID-19 testing line is the best place for them to discreetly form golden meme content for milk-chugging teens. Their specialty is definitely in dark humor and timing.


Often shy, Aquarians keep within their circle of close friends. They ensure at least one of their besties can accompany them when going to get tested. There is no doubt the entire process is filled with apologizing multiple times to workers, those in line and even inanimate objects.


Pisces are just there for the ride. But when they do their phone, keys, wallet and mask check, they realize their mask is missing. No fear, creative is here! Scarves are the obvious first choice, but more desperate Pisces will go for the bra, sock or sweatshirt.

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