It’s Halloween season. Which means every poser on the block is trying to pretend they’re in touch with their inner witch, which means every poser on the block is into the stars all of the sudden.

It’s me. I’m the poser.

Luckily, I know very little about horoscopes, but luckily I have an imagination. See what this week has in store for yoOoOoOu.

Aries – Word on the witchy street is you’ll be having an intense Halloween season. With nothing to do on the hallowday, you’re probably losing your absolute mind. Channel this disappointment into a killer costume or fab fall fit. Or flip out on your roommates for no reason and apologize by baking them a pie. Either one works. 

Costume idea: Jeffrey Dahmer

Taurus – Hey baby, this Halloween could go either way for you. You’re either stubbornly sticking to your safe COVID-19 ways and hosting a pity party or planning on going crazzzy by drinking your woes away in an all-out costume. Either way, buy some pedialyte. 

Costume idea: Gumby

Gemini – Geminis always scare me, but it looks like this sign will be taking an even more frightening turn this October season. Expect the worst, Gemini. Razors in your Snickers, loose pebbles in your Skittles, mysteriously missing assignments on Canvas — anything could happen, so be on the lookout.

Costume idea: Twins from “The Shining” (cheap Gemini joke, I know)

Cancer – If anyone’s going to have a nice Halloween, it’s you, Cancer. You already give some dark academia vibes, and this season just amplifies that for you. If you’re looking for something to do, text your exes saying how much you want them back. You’re sure to get a spook from that. 

Costume idea: Scary clown

Football and covid and orgies, oh my!COVID, quarantine, in-person football — is one of these things not like the other? Nope. They all belong in the Read…

Leo – Leos typically thrive on this fine holiday, but you’re going to have to find a new way to shine baybeee. Do some scary makeup, fix ya’self an apple cider mimosa and look cute for the gram. That’s about all you can do right now, sweaty. But you can do it fabulously. I believe in you.

Costume idea: Cher (either the singer or the main character from “Clueless”)

Virgo – We know you don’t want to celebrate, Halloween, Virgo, and luckily this pandemic isn’t making you. Instead of engaging in scary festivities, opt to scare the kids in your local neighborhood instead. Start talking about the downfalls of capitalism and its link to every current systematic “ism.” Halloween isn’t all jack-o-lanterns and candy, folks! At the end of the day it’s just another consumerist holiday! 

Costume idea: Grumpy adult neighbor

Libra – Exit Libra season and enter Libras being the objectively best sign of the Zodiac season. Allow pumpkin spice to bring out your pumpkin nice :,) Follow your intuitions —bake that apple pizzle, hang those decorizzles, brew some apple sizzle. 

Costume idea: Cutey little witch 

Scorpio – Scorpio this is your tiiiime to shiiiine. Not only is it your sign’s season, but deep down inside you are a spooky, wooky, little witch. Halloween’s “cancellation” won’t get you down, because the Halloween spirit has been brewing in you since birth. Burn your incense, leave out your moon water and everything will be okay.

Costume idea: Stevie Nicks

Sagittarius – Okay Sag, we know you don’t really want to dress up, but you’re allowed to reuse old costumes this year. Try not to bum everyone out when you go into a deep dive about Paganism and the history of Halloween. This day is reason to drink, not a lecture.

Costume idea: Shark onesie

Football and covid and orgies, oh my!COVID, quarantine, in-person football — is one of these things not like the other? Nope. They all belong in the Read…

Capricorn – Capricorn, we know you want to outdo us all this spooky season, and usually you’re really good at it. But, you’re debating how worth it it is to create a costume from scratch. Go simple this year and enjoy the simple things. The pumpkin Reese’s are worth it, I promise. 

Costume idea: Sitcom character 

Aquarius – As always, feel free to unleash your inner child this Halloween, Aquarius. You may feel like your creative energy is being stifled, but persevere, dear air sign. Visit TikTok for inspiration, and after a three hour scroll, you’ll be sure to walk away with a solid costume idea. 

Costume idea: 90s chick flick protagonist 

Pisces – Pop off, little Pisces. Do everything you want to this fall holiday and feel free to think outside of the box, too. Visit that pumpkin patch AND visit your ex’s new girlfriend’s house. Go to a haunted corn maze AND stalk her Twitter from 2005. Really, the world is your oyster this Halloween! Don’t feel selfish — you’re doing this for you!

Costume idea: Christian girl fall