Foot traffic literally stopped on State Street late Thursday afternoon as an anonymous individual blocked the sidewalk in front of Tutto Pasta for three hours.
The individual is described as a 20 year old female with medium length brown hair, a Columbia coat and wearing Airpods.
A passerby noted the woman had her hands up against the window and stared into the abyss of what lied in the restaurant.
When asked for comment, many witnesses had differing opinions as to why the individual stayed perched in the spot.
Allison Paterson, a senior at University of Wisconsin, hatched a theory centered on revenge.
“I think her roommate was dining with her ex in there to celebrate Valentine’s Day,” Paterson said, “So it just makes sense that see was spying outside. Aren’t we all here to wish harm on to our enemies and cry a little bit when we see them jovially enjoying a piece of ravioli together? Is this not the central fact of life?”
Paterson’s theory falls apart pretty quickly after a brief examination. Everyone knows fettuccine, not ravioli, is the pasta of love and that anyone who dares order ravioli on a date is doomed to a solitary life. Even if the date was a little on the spicy side, gnocchi alla vodka is clearly a more suitable choice.
Frank Young, another student, had a more weathered option.
“Well, it was warm for once,” Young said, “I think we as a society need to allow for individuals to bask in the glow of the outdoors when it isn’t freezing for once in our horrid winter. It is egregious that we do not find this moment of joy socially acceptable and need to literally interview me to figure out why this lady stood outside of Tutto’s. It’s a disgrace and goes against all principles of good journalism.”
Here in the banter section, we are personally appalled at the condemnation of our lack of journalism ethics, but we needed to fill a page so we kept that interview in any way. The more sources, the better!
Speaking of more sources, no one else on the street answered our pleas for questioning, so we took the hot button issue to the inside of Tutto Pasta, where we still noticed the individual peering into the restaurant. We tried our best to avoid interviewing patrons mid-breadstick, but sometimes the coalescence could not be avoided.
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Barry Barons, a patron of Tutto Pasta, had a different approach to the situation.
“I think she just really wants the bread slices,” Barons said, “They are but fluffy, fluffy things. The little nooks baked with love into the slices are to die for. Marry that with the perfect combination of oily olive oil and cheesy parmesan cheese and you have the best appetizer in the world right there. I could understand how one can lust and pine from afar for those alone. I also think the not pasta-focused dishes often get overlooked by diners and observers alike. I want you to examine for a second the Pollo Marsala. It says on the menu right here that it’s a ‘chicken breast sauteed in a delicious Marsala wine sauce with mushrooms and raisins.’ Now if that isn’t the star of a dish, I don’t know what is. And of course, I’m going to take my bread home! I’m so excited for this meal.”
We admit that last source may have gotten a little sidetracked by the food. We still think this story of the outside observer is newsworthy, but we suddenly have no angle and we are almost 600 words into the piece with our deadline racing towards us. There’s no stopping us now!
The individual is still unavailable for comment, even after we’ve combed through countless Instagram profiles and slipped into many DMs in attempts to locate the forlorn observer. Any and all help in locating her is appreciated, we would really like to give her an Olive Garden gift card.
