Ope! Didn’t see this half page of the newspaper here.

I’m really sorry to be occupying this space, ya know? Twenty-four whole pages in this newspaper and this little joke story is going to take up a whole half-a-page.

Now that doesn’t seem too bad at first gumption, but that’s 1/48 of this whole newspaper. Taking out a page for the front cover, another for the table of contents and a third for the inevitable in-house ad on the back page, it’s clear my little spot here is a little too big for its britches in relation to the rest of the real news in this publication.

Cold temps drench Madison in dreadThere’s a disgruntled air in the air. Recently, students began to notice the outside is getting colder. While few have Read…

I would like to make a more formal apology to the countless pieces I’ve pushed to digital publication because of my mere existence, but sadly I am mute as a mixture of ink and paper. It’s taking all of my might simply force an “Ope!” to emerge from my fantastical mouth.

I, the article, not only had to sneak past the mushy, ineloquent brain of my writer but then two levels of editorial management. My writer’s brain is the easiest to sneak right past, as she has the misfortune of writing this when the Badgers are trailing 23 points to Minnesota. Thiz many meak sum ov mhyr words kinde bblurry from the teras, but hopefully copy will catch it. That may not happen if I’m super sneaky though.

Some may not be aware, but I was a brown belt in karate in my youth, before I was pushed into the hard world of print journalism. People may say this leads to an extra sneak factor which will help me make it into the paper, but I think it’ll take a little extra oomph to sneak right on past each reader.

Professor speak: A modern dictionaryProfessors, they are more educated than us. We mean, at least we hope. They are teaching us after all. This Read…

Ope! Didn’t see that new paragraph there. Might’ve tripped a little bit on indent but no injuries were sustained. Gee whiz I am a lucky ducky to dodge a paper cut there.

Some may say, “Hey article, if you’re trying to be sneaky, why oh why are you so dang long?” That is a question I cannot answer. Well, actually, maybe I can. My other satire article comrades established a clear 650-word minimum to take up and justify our spot in the paper. Now, this might make us a little rambly at times, but doesn’t a good ramble add on to Midwestern charm?

Yes, I do identify as midwestern despite being an inanimate block of text, as I am in a purely midwestern publication. Just look at our opinion section, we publish at least one dairy-related piece a week. Just think, if I wasn’t here, we might have two published a week! I dig this wholesome content all day.

Spring courses which didn’t make course guide include rap, fake milkUniversity of Wisconsin released the spring 2019 course schedule Friday. The release the course guide, more hotly anticipated than “Call of Read…

Ope! I’m sorry! The football recap just bumped into me on its way through copy. It more or less maliciously knocked me over, but I’ll still say I’m sorry like it’s my fault. Have to show my hospitality. Maybe I’ll make that article a casserole as an apology. I’ll throw in extra cheesy potatoes to show my sincerest regret of being the article they bumped into.

Oh boy, it’s going to be a little bit of a long journey before I’m able to just exist and no longer have to sneak past anything. After all, there are four other sections of content I have to live with before our lovely managing editor has to read me. Of course, I am patient to be read at his leisure. I’ll happily be pushed aside for another concert review or a comical football article. I must admit, sometimes those sports pieces give me a good chuckle. Har-de-har.

Your 10-step plan to a successful mental breakdownStep 1: Set yourself up for a breakdown Always make sure to enroll in at least 15 credit hours a Read…

Ope! My laugh accidentally made me shift the page numbers in this week’s issue. I think I better go wrangle up those numbers so our paper looks pristine come press time. These are the times when I wish I was in the paper with eight pages instead of 24, takes a lot less time to rearrange those numbers since there’s so few.

Ope! Gotta sneak right past ya as I go get those. I’ll be back in a sec!