Professors, they are more educated than us. We mean, at least we hope. They are teaching us after all. This leads our professors to often utilize more complex vocabulary than us, requiring translations for us mere mortal, sleep deprived students to understand what the heck they’re saying.
The Banter team has graciously compiled a list of handy translations to aid students in their quests to understand their professors at all times of the day. Thank us after the mid-term.
“I am not responsible for your learning”: (1) I don’t care about your education or (2) I’m here to do research and you’re in my way.
“Attendance is mandatory”: I know this is too boring for any of you to come by choice.
“Lecture slides and videos posted to [email protected]”: I love you.
“Textbook is optional”: I know y’all broke as hell.
“Textbook is required, and I think it’s very well written”: I wrote this textbook and it’ll cost you $200, muahahaha!
“Class is canceled since I’m not feeling well”: Hungover as shit, dawg.
“You only get one absence or you fail”: I don’t want you to take this class either.
“You all did great on this exam”: Some people didn’t fail.
“There is no such thing as a dumb question”: I really do care about your learning.
“There is such a thing as a dumb question”: Please don’t ask questions, I don’t feel like answering them.
“You’re really going to want to study for this one”: I know most of you are going to fail this exam.
“I’m going to test you on everything we talked about”: I’m going to test you on everything we talked about.
“Thanks for joining us here at 8:50 a.m.”: I really expected more people to shown up.
“You get to choose what time you take the exam, isn’t that neat?”: I’m really just trying to make you feel better about having a Sunday exam.
“Please remember to take the Canvas quiz!”: I’m going to get 50 e-mails from students wanting to come to office hours after getting 0/6s.
“I will be monitoring attendance at the next lecture”: I just wanna spook out all the kids that never come.
“About 42 percent of you did B quality work or higher”: I’m appalled by the current state of higher education.
“We will not have class this day”: I’m going to a conference in a warm locale but I will expect you to turn in a five page paper that day for me to read on my chaise.