It is with great glee that we, the editors, writers and semi-literate individuals at The Dirty Bird announce that we are unionizing.
For too long has the University of Wisconsin expected more from us than we could ever hope to give. It was not so long ago that we slaved day in and day out to produce TWO, I repeat TWO eight page papers every week. Even we have school!
Today we sent our intent to unionize to the Chancellors office and to advise them that we would no longer bend to the bourgeoisie notion of correct spelling and grammar. Such things are inaccessible to many people on campus and indeed some of our staff have trouble understanding sentences that don’t have emojis or images to accompany them.
Looking around the room as I write this I am astounded that it has taken 126 years to reach this point and I grow disgusted by the sheer enormity of all the labour which might have been expected of me just 50 years ago. The time of the working class is now and it will be an age marked by languid news coverage and maybe some long form pieces if we feel like it.
Our first demands, which we have sent to the chancellors office, are detailed bellow and we hope our fellow students will support us.
Workers of the world unite!
- Discontinuation of the harrowing policy where Dirty Bird workers must sacrifice a member at Ray Cross’ house and then he forces us to make him stir fry.
- Freedom from unrealistic expectations like selling ads to pay rent like some kind of capitalist pig.
- It would be cool if we could stop people from emailing us things like “This article has many errors and it caused my wife to fake her death and move to a remote pacific Island” or “I have serious concerns with last week’s editorial titled ‘The only way to stop Trump is for Brad in Chem 343 to ask me on a date.'”
The last braincell of The Dirty Bird