Dear The Editor,

Living as a lactose-intolerant Wisconsinite has always been hard. Growing up, I couldn’t have the milk cartons at lunch like my classmates. I could never get the cheese curds at the county fair. Only at one high school party did I succumb to peer pressure and try Rumchata. That night ended for me like it does for many other irresponsible high school partiers — semi-conscious in the bathroom as I shit my brains out.

I’ve had to deal with being anti-dairy in the Dairy State my whole life. But I had hoped when I came to college, I would find more support for my people. Instead, what I found was extreme, pervasive milk-chugging culture.

Picture this: I’m a freshman attending my first Sigma Apple Pie party. I descend the poorly lit steps into the sticky basement, excited to slam some Burnett’s shots and chug some KüL Light. But what I find, instead, is Milk. Milk Everywhere. Milk Pong. People chugging from the Milk bong. Milk Flip Cup. I immediately started shitting my pants.

Milk-chugging culture has only become worse since my first semester here, and it needs to come to an end. That’s why I have formed the student group, Lactose Intolerants Intolerant of Lactose Intolerance Intolerance.

We aim to:

  1. Raise awareness of lactose intolerance, dairy allergies and general milk aversion on campus. Not everyone knows some people can’t digest lactose!
  2. Shut down Babcock Dairy. We recognize most students are just cogs in the capitalist dairy machine, so we need to dig deeper. Babcock Dairy is the oppressive capitalist corporation at the root of the issue. They must be stopped.
  3. Foster cranberry-juice-chugging culture on campus. Not only would this be more inclusive of dairy/lactose-sensitive Badgers, but it would also prevent urinary tract infections, because we all know Badgers are more prone to UTIs than any other animal (click here to learn more).

I am calling on all lactose intolerants, dairy allergics, vegans and anti-dairy allies to join our cause. At the very least, next time you share a milk-chugging meme, think before you post.

Mitchell Ilkman ([email protected]) is junior studying dairy science. How has the milk-chugging culture on campus impacted you? Send all comments straight up your ass.