As the semester heats up and schedules become crowded with class, work and whatever other nonsense, intimacy may seem like a low priority. Students experience high levels of stress and pressure to perform both professionally and academically.
Often the duress of daily life makes sex feel daunting, exhausting or too time-consuming. Most people experience subdued sexual desire and arousal in times of stress. Even finding time for intimacy can prove challenging for busy folks — increasing the stress on moments together.
In order to work around busy schedules or different desires for sex between partners, planning sex deliberately often becomes necessary to keep the fire going. Some couples might not have sex at all without penciling in one another.
For couples who are busy, work opposite shifts, have kids to take care of, desire different amounts of sex or all of the above, scheduling sex can be a lucrative solution. Shared calendars through phones and apps make this particularly easy.
Understandably, some people doubt the effectiveness of scheduling sex. They worry about its spontaneity and romance, forgetting we implicitly schedule sex all the time. Inviting someone to “come over and watch a movie” the following weekend definitely implies some intimacy, especially if partners have already established a sexual relationship.
Sex might sometimes come as a lovely surprise, but most of the time sexual individuals understand planning a date entails the possibility of sex. So we prepare by shaving, cleaning our bedroom, getting condoms, stretching or stocking up on lube — the only difference between this sort of plan and explicitly scheduling sex is its presentation.
Scheduling sex does not have to be as explicit as one might think; no need to literally write “sex” in the appointment book. Simply setting aside some time to hang out together and allow physical intimacy to happen organically or not can be helpful and bring partners closer.
Using a sexy schedule allows partners to align work schedules or find babysitters to enjoy a relaxed sexual atmosphere. One word of caution: don’t let the suspense of that sex date intimidate or apply just as much pressure as approaching exams. Scheduling sex can become stressful if individuals expect sex and then feel incredibly anxious about making it the perfect evening together.
Try to perceive scheduling sex as a practical extension of the pursuit for pleasure in relationships; this is time to play, not stress. Allow time together to blossom just as it might otherwise — ignoring expectations for sex makes time together effortlessly hot. Importantly, scheduling intimacy does not mean sex is imperative; it simply gives the option to get a little hot and heavy.
Especially for partners who disagree on the ideal frequency of sex, scheduling might be necessary to create compromise. Some individuals never want sex, some want sex occasionally and some would be happy to fuck twice a day (or more). This can create friction as partners feel either pressured or rejected.
By planning a tentative sex schedule, couples can discuss how often they want sex individually and cooperatively. Especially for those who experience less frequent desire, both morning and late evening work well; many people experience increased levels of sexy hormones during these times.
Scheduling sex is also helpful for those who simply find themselves wanting sex at different times. Partners might plan to switch off morning and night sex, post- or pre-date sex. This creates a more level playing field in terms of everyone getting what they want out of the relationship.
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Indeed, partners with specific desires might schedule sex in order for everything to play out in certain kinky scenes. For example, if a couple wants to role play that one of them is a stranger, they need to schedule some time to create the illusion of surprise and spontaneity. This might seem contradictory at first, but kink involves plenty of planning.
Risk-aware consensual kink means every boundary and action is discussed ahead of time. Everyone involved in a kinky scene, especially one that creates a simulated or real loss of control, must in fact have complete control over the situation.
Scheduling sex does not have to be formal or awkward. Simply agreeing to spend some time alone together at specific dates and times practicing love and intimacy fulfills many relationships that might otherwise suffer due to conflicting schedules, child care needs and different desires.
Make deliberate time for one another and intimacy will follow.