Sarah:

‘The Thirteenth Year’ far too mature, cool for likes of dorky mummies ‘under wraps’

Ann has informed me there has been some controversy within the BH Shout Outs lately. In order to report on this issue in the most timely fashion, we have moved our column up a full three days. Without further ado, the most memorable, complexly-themed and original of the 88 Disney Channel Original Movies was undoubtedly “The Thirteenth Year.” 

Alright, alright settle down. I can imagine what you “High School Musical” adorators are feeling at this moment, and it’s probably a much more intensified pang of injustice than that felt by Wisconsin Democrats in the recent senatorial election. Actually, I apologize for my lack of empathy, HSM fans; I should have used a more fitting analogy. The emotions evoked by my choice of “The Thirteenth Year” as all-time best Disney Channel Original Movie, or rather “DCOM,” are akin to the angry disbelief of Kanye West when hearing Taylor Swift had won “Best Female Video” at the 2009 VMA’s. 

So what is “The Thirteenth Year”? One word: Merman. As far as my hippocampus can surmise, the film encompassed a talented swimmer who, on his thirteenth birthday, begins to gradually develop mysterious symptoms which (oops, I suppose a Spoiler Alert would have been prudent earlier on) turn him into a fully-fledged merman – once the shock of transformation wears off, the insecure preteen male becomes very insistent on the distinction between his newfound identity and a “mermaid.” 

It’s a coming-of age film like no other. All in the span of a week he learns his parents found him as a baby on the deck of a boat – and he must explain to the girl who is as close to a girlfriend as he has ever had why he is growing fins. As if junior high wasn’t hard enough! 

So, that’s about all we have as far as plot. Maybe it’s just my hazy memory of the film, stemming from how long it has been since I was of DCOM watching age. Also, I can’t guarantee that frequent trips to the kitchen for snacks during commercial breaks did not cause me to miss a few non-crucial swim-meet scenes. But the depth was definitely there. Overall, it had the most interesting elements of any DCOM I’ve ever seen – and what’s its competition, anyway; “Under Wraps”? That one didn’t get me past the opening credits.

Ann:

An affinity for the occasional half-fish half-man is not prerequisite to good taste in film

Sarah, at this time I think we should give an appreciative SO to
whoever ignited this heated DCOM debate. Choosing one movie seems nearly
cruel with so many worthy options, but alas, the strict constraints of
our PCPs have forced me to choose just one. It came down to three:
“Don’t Look Under the Bed,” “Motocrossed” and “Under Wraps.” 

“Don’t
Look Under the Bed” – about the boogeyman – scared the shit out me of
as a child. It’s probably this nostalgic sense of thrill that still
draws me to this TV gold. 

“Motocrossed” – the one about a girl
who, well, loves motocross – was the first DCOM to feature semi-muscular
teenage boys with their shirts off. My sister and I admittedly drooled
over their sweaty pecs and may or may not have replayed these sexually
tense scenes more than once. 

But the boogeyman and sexy man-boys
ain’t got nothing on “Under Wraps” – my choice for best DCOM. Debuting
in 1997, the film chronicles the lives of some nerdy 12 year olds,
Marshall, Gilbert (the timid, bespectacled one) and Amy who have somehow
stumbled upon a mummy in a dead man’s house. Because of some cosmic
hiccup and the cycle of the moon, the mummy comes alive during the time
of the month when they find him. 

Mermaids, excuse me, mermans,
are fun and all, Sarah, but come on, a mummy who comes back from the
dead and is christened “Harold” by his new tween caretakers is the
literal incarnation of Disney brilliance. 

And so, as the film
progresses, the tweens face a conundrum and find themselves on a
contemplative life precipice that I’m sure we can all relate to –
they’ve grown to love Harold, but after finding him slowly swaying to
“All By Myself” they realize Harold has a mummy lady lover who he
desperately wants to rekindle his ancient Egyptian romance with. 

A
tale of unconventional friendship and love, “Under Wraps,” is hands
down the best DCOM. Sure, “The Thirteenth Year” may have had a cuter
leading male, but the combination of awkward 12-year-olds and a mute
mummy who happens to be obsessed with “All By Myself” are quite simply,
the shit.