We’ve all experienced those drawn-out moments of test score or workload-related agony culminating in the realization no one in their right mind majors in biomedical engineering, Mandarin or hotel/restaurant management. For some of us, this epiphany hits on a weekly basis and only dies when we realize we’re too lazy to change majors and not good enough on drums to drop out. Plus, school is the only thing keeping us from the brutalities of the real world, and if we can’t handle 9:30 a.m. power lectures twice a week, we’re probably not going to survive power washing SUVs at Octopus Car Wash on a daily basis.
Fortunately, for those lucky few who lack both job-related skills and dignity, there exists a place where your wildest dreams can come true. It’s called primetime national television, the home of countless reality shows, and just like Otis Redding, it’s about to go down in the Madison area.
The show, which will focus on the ability of eight contestants to run a restaurant, will primarily take place at a Fitchburg establishment called “Good Times” — please insert your own “Dy-no-mite” joke here. Many of the details are still being hammered out, and the show does not yet even have a name — although I’d offer up both “Mad About Food” and “Bar Trek: The Next Buffet Station” as worthy suggestions — but we do know that service industry experience is not necessary to be seen as a worthy candidate. Finally, an absolute lack of credentials can land you a high-paying job.
While they don’t stress actual work skills, contestants who can throw their hats into the ring at www.realitytvjob.com are asked to be “outgoing, have acting skills and ambition.” I see two problems with this. The first is that it sounds like what a 30-year-old woman puts on her eHarmony profile indicating her desires in a man. Maybe she substitutes acting skills for a good sense of humor, but then again, she’s running out of eggs and looking for love on the Internet, so she probably can’t be too choosy.
The other issue, which puts a real dent in the magic of Hollywood, is that credible reality TV should never require acting skills. I doubt Ozzy Osbourne read too much Shakespeare before they put a camera in his living room, and that’s what made the show fun to occasionally watch. Of course, I also doubt Ozzy can read.
Then again, with rumors circulating that this will be an MTV production, the term “credible reality TV” can be thrown out the window. When the network that gave the public such scripted gems as “Next,” “Parental Control” and “Rich Blonde Girls with Rich Blonde Girl Problems,” you can expect a show with about as much real suspense as a footrace between Jesse Owens and a fat kid. The difference is that while the race only takes a few seconds, reality shows drag on like the muffler of your uncle’s LeBaron.
At the end of the show’s four-month taping, one lucky man or woman will be handed total responsibility of the restaurant along with a salary of up to $250,000 per year, all because the restaurant staff found them less annoying/more competent than the seven others. Like Robert Johnson, we find ourselves at a crossroads, debating whether our immortal souls are worth giving up for a chance at fame and, more importantly, money. On the one hand, you’re never going to make a quarter of a million dollars with an English degree and your mom won’t let you forget it. On the other, can any amount of money reconcile your psyche when you find out the tall brunette MTV chose to room with you for four months was just last year a man? And a felon? Probably, so I’ll see you in Fitchburg.
Sean Kittridge ([email protected]) is a junior majoring in journalism.
