Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.
Today’s men are hurting. It’s okay to admit it — we’ve been ground down by a modern society that has long since removed us from our natural state and no one has done a goddamn thing about it. It’s time to bring back the PRIMAL MAN, the rough and tumble ice age survivor with frost in his veins and fire in his heart.
We here at Cold Blooded Kings are DEEPLY, OBSESSIVELY passionate about men. Our movement, founded by Lionel “The Coatless” Johnson seeks to bring men back to their natural ways through the centralities of exposure, empowerment and enlightenment. After spending time as a decorated Midwest athlete — winning valuable awards like high school student-athlete — Lionel knows it is men’s BIOLOGICAL IMPERATIVE to live like our ancestors. Having written the New York Times Bestseller, “Coat/Off,” Lionel has taken his time to share the centralities that ARE CENTRAL THEMES IN HIS LITERATURE.
The first centrality is EXPOSURE. We experience a direct mismatch between the temperature modern men are raised in and the temperatures our bodies were designed for. The Primal Man was a creature of the ice age and this is PROVEN by the fact that brain activity, muscle recovery and fat burning go up in the cold ACCORDING to STUDIES. The modern world’s weather just isn’t hostile enough for a man to truly blossom and in order to make up for this, it’s become necessary for a peak male to shed his jacket and face the cold like his ancestors did. As you expose your male form to the world, the world drinks it in and POLITELY THANKS YOU by strengthening it.
The second centrality is EMPOWERMENT. Many peoples around the world have different EQUALLY VALID AND RESPECTABLE definitions of this, but for the primal man, empowerment means increasing self-confidence and physical performance. The secret to empowerment is one simple step that is often overlooked by men looking to better themselves.
It’s Four Loko.
While no longer the absolute monster of A BEVERAGE that it used to be, it makes up for this by being an INCREDIBLY INEXPENSIVE malt liquor. It is a cost-effective tonic that increases PHYSICAL PERFORMANCE by allowing you to endure coatless in even the coldest of winters, allowing the healing power of the cold to run across your body without you feeling even the slightest bit UNCOMFY. Furthermore, multiple studies have shown that alcohol decreases inhibition, which gives you the confidence to be the person you really were the whole time.
THE THIRD CENTRALITY IS enlightenment. As you continue down the path of the primal man, you may find your more civilized friends telling you to “get treatment for that severe and worsening frostbite” or “though I respect the drinking, Four Loko literally tastes like battery acid.” Eventually they will grow fearful of your PRIMAL STRENGTH and flee. It may SEEM TRAGIC, but eventually you realize you are a LONE WOLF and will be enlightened by your PRIMAL SELF RELIANCE.
