I sat hunched over on my bed, sobs racking my body. My boyfriend of nearly three years, who also happened to be my best friend, had just told me he wanted to “end it.” This was coming out of nowhere. The weekend before I had been at his dorm, played Xbox and left with no overt reason to suspect trouble. Suddenly, three days later, I was living my worst fear.

This wasn’t just about a guy. It was about my life. I saw tentative plans we had discussed – a shitty apartment senior year, a tiny house with a porch located somewhere on the east coast, where we would move after graduation, a wedding with lilies (he knew they were my favorite) – crumble. I couldn’t breathe. This wasn’t happening.

Heartbreak, grief, confusion, embarrassment and anger, along with a lovely dash of betrayal, were all coming at me at once. That night, I woke up sobbing at 3 a.m. It would be the first of a few times in the upcoming weeks I would call University Health Services’ 24-hour crisis line.

Getting out of bed was a struggle and even on days when I could get up, it was hard to get through the day without some instance of tears. Between juggling the academic demands that come with the pursuit of a University of Wisconsin degree and the demands of my job here at The Badger Herald, I was already stressed. Every stress and criticism was now amplified as the emotional safety net his love provided me fell away.

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It would all coming rushing in at once, like some invisible force knocking the wind out of me. Simple questions like, “Have you cleaned the bathroom?” seemed to tell me, “You’re incapable of taking care of yourself.” Everything boiled down to, “You can’t fucking do anything right.”

According to statistics from the National Alliance on Mental Illness, one in four people aged 18 to 24 have a diagnosable mental illness. However, it is important to note I currently have not been diagnosed. While a diagnosis is not outside the realm of possibility, I experienced a mental health crisis. These experiences are distinct.

Mental illness is more related to a specific diagnosis based on certain criteria whereas a mental health crisis could be related to anything in someone’s life that leads them to feel very distressed, according to UHS Associate Director of Campus-Based Services Amanda Ngola.

I was going through an emotional and tumultuous time by any measure. Yet, what increased my anxiety more than anything was the fear I would be perceived as “weak” or “crazy” for my mental health situation.

I realized the long-standing stigma surrounding mental health was actually making my mental health worse. I was in vicious cycle of being emotionally distressed about my emotional distress and that was simply not ok. I’m not crazy or weak. It is possible for anyone to have a crisis and that crisis may affect their emotional well being, Ngola said.

“If someone feels like they’re … not acting like themselves or are feeling … really badly about something and they perceive it as a crisis, that that’s enough to constitute it as a crisis and that reaching out for help would be important,” Ngola said. She continued on to say reaching out for help does not always mean counseling, but counseling can be a “great resource.”

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For me, counseling has been a large help now and in the past. UHS offers a multitude of options. In the last few weeks, I have used the crisis line, individual counseling and a skills-based workshop. There has been no one-size-fits-all approach.

Right now, I am still not okay. I am stressed, sensitive and there are times when it seems like all anything does is hurt. There are still unanswered questions for me. I don’t know what the status of my mental health is or what steps need to be taken to remedy the situation. What I do know is this: I am not weak, nor am I crazy and to remain silent due to a false preconception will only allow that preconception go unchecked.

Madeline Sweitzer ([email protected]) is a sophomore majoring in political science, history and intending to major in journalism.

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