Dear Hump Day,

My boyfriend and I have decided not to have sex until marriage. However, we still have fun fooling around. What are some good ways to stimulate a female orgasm without having sex?

Thanks,

Waiting for sex, but wanting to come!

Dear WFS/WTC,

Your question is a great example of what we would love to see in all of our readers’ relationships: Agreement on what you both would like. Discussing your sexual wants, desires and needs can be a daunting conversation. Congratulations on successfully navigating a big portion of it. It sounds as though the two of you might be describing “sex” as penile-vaginal penetration. We make this assumption because that’s the definition that the average American gives.

This column will be dedicated to the many ways you can play with your partner without that definition of sex. We just want to be very clear that we accept everyone’s definition, and decision of when to have it. Whether sex is orgasming, holding hands, waiting till commitment or marriage, until the desire for a child, until you are by yourself; whether it be anal, oral, titty fucking or simply staring into each other’s eyes, whatever your meaning of sex is, as long as you are happy and are making other people happy, go for it. That’s the beauty of sex; there are so many ways to do it!

The wonderful thing about orgasms is they can be brought on in many different contexts and different areas. One option is to try the back door. Anal play can be very pleasurable and lead to orgasm in many women due to the trove of nerves in that area. And we are not only talking about penetration. Licking and stroking the surrounding region can also be very satisfying and arousing. Some people may have an ick factor when it comes to the anus. Please refer to previous columns on the poop myth. Use a sex dam. Large squares of latex or polyurethane, in different flavors and colors, sex dams protect and can add another silky texture to your play that can lead to greater excitement.

Oral sex is a wonderful way to help a female partner reach orgasm. Oral is an awesome option because it provides lubrication, light stimulation and a chance for your lady to touch any other part of her body that makes her hot. When you’re going down, your partner can give polite suggestions on what she wants (sucking, licking in circles, up and down, side to side, softer, harder, to the left), she can stimulate her breasts or nipples, suck on her fingers or play with your hair and face. Some women do find oral sex to be too much stimulation and would prefer to have their partner lick areas other than their clit. In that case, she can move her hips to get you to her hot spots, and you can change it up by licking her labia, anus or thighs. Hot breaths up close to the genitals can also invoke arousal.

If oral sex isn’t your favorite option, you can also stimulate the clitoris by mutual masturbation. Mutual masturbation is, plainly put, using your hands and fingers to stimulate your partner’s genitals. The upside to this is you can switch it up between clitoral stimulation and penetration. There are a few ways this could play out. Both partners can use their hands to stimulate the other partner’s genitals. Another option is to spend time stimulating one partner, or you could watch your partner stimulate him or herself. All three options are hot, sexy and can be made even more sizzling with some awesome sex talk. For some men and women, mutual masturbation can get a bit dry, especially as the length of time increases. We recommend using a lubricant on penises and vaginas for hand play. Since hands don’t make natural lubricant, the more lube, the better! And to spice it up even further you can watch a porno that makes you both hot and bothered while you scratch that itch.

If you’re interested in added stimulation and other types of penetration, you can always head to your local sex shop or the Internet and find a toy. Your partner can use the toy on your clit, anus, feet, knees, entire body! Change up the speeds, be spontaneous with the vibrations and watch how your partner responds.

Kinsey documented a myriad of ways that people come. Some people can orgasm through massaging the small of their backs. Some can come from simple visualization, others when their partners bite their necks. Explore. Take your time. Express what feels good and what gives you chills. Remember, each one of these options is not a value meal. You can mix and match to get the best results. You can start watching your favorite porno and touching yourselves, move to some oral and end up with a toy inside of you while your partner comes from having her clit licked.

But don’t forget, it’s not all about the Big O. While coming is great and always a nice way to end or start an intimate session with your partner, don’t be discouraged if it takes a while to find your rhythm. Sometimes the joy of just exploring new things, with no pressure, is the best way to discover a whole new side of your partner and you.

This article was written by Suzie Baker and Nicolette Pawlowski. Suzie is a sexual health education coordinator and wanna be homemaker, and Nicolette is a sexual health educator and a salsa dancer. All questions are from real readers. Keep ’em coming! E-mail: [email protected].