“Magic Mike XXL” is the cinematic victim of a room of gushing 17-year-olds who haven’t yet discovered Pornhub, and are just delighted enough with themselves to be allowed into a rated-R movie.
This is not to say “Magic Mike XXL” is bad. Well, at least not terrible.
Mike Lane (Channing Tatum, “Jupiter Ascending”), removed from the tutelage of his stripper buds, has started his own construction business, lives in a sizable home and is newly single. While he’s clearly living someone else’s dream, his true calling lies with neon thongs and satisfying the fantasies of lonely, 30-something babes.
The film isn’t much more than a compilation of repetitive antics and misadventures. It consists of Lane’s gang skipping from one destination to another in a dull scavenger hunt that amounts to no real character or plot development. The boys hit a few inconsequential obstacles on their way to a stripper dance convention, punctuated only by the hot and heavy relief of Tatum’s kick-ass dance moves.
A stripper turned actor, it’s obvious where his real talent lies.
After hearing Ginuwine’s “Pony,” the extended lyrical metaphor of a dirty good screw, while in his workshop, Lane releases both his inner dancer and repressed sexual libido (but not his dick) to impress an audience of hacksaws and wooden work tables. After this short-lived scene of confusing gyrations, Lane decides to drop his life to head to Myrtle Beach with his old stripper team, the Kings of Tampa.
The gang includes “Snowy White” Ken (Matt Bomer, “The Normal Heart”), Big Dick Richie (Joe Manganiello, “Tumbledown”) — who is endlessly in search of the perfect “glass slipper” to fit his colossal dick — Tito (Adam Rodriguez, “Lovesick”) and Tarzan (Ken Nash, “The Association”), who looks like a recycled Mickey Rourke circa “The Wrestler.”
Lane meets a dainty, hipster Amber Heard after catching her taking pictures of his bare ass with a vintage camera — an Urban Outfitted dream. She makes dry appearances as Lane’s romantic muse throughout the film, but her incalculable “mystery girl” act is obfuscated by her high schooler appearance, below the age requirement for adult love interest (lookin’ at you, Johnny Depp).
When Jada Pinkett Smith (“Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted”) shows up in the form of Mike’s pre-Dallas employer, Rome, what was once just drab mediocrity becomes even less tolerable. As the new MC for the Kings of Tampa, Smith gets to channel her inner Beyoncé in an annoyingly self-righteous strut, calling all present women “queens” repeatedly in an effort to shove in a lazy feminist undercurrent — a little much for a movie following the lives of dull, brainless douchebags.
“Magic Mike XXL” has its moments. The group getting high on Molly and helping “Big Dick” Richie seduce a bored gas station clerk entertains in its absurdity. The final routine of the convention, featuring Stephen “tWitch” Boss and Tatum is ridiculously sexy and undeniably impressive. But despite a few moments of honest humor and a couple smoking hot routines, “Magic” leaves us with only the bland taste of mediocre acting and a weak plot.
2 out of 5 stars
