Selecting the right gifts can be hard, and online gift lists all repeat the same five items over and over. Here’s a comprehensive gift guide for those tough-to-buy-for people in your life.
1.Situationship
There are two different routes you can take here — one for each person on either side of every situationship.
For the person who is secretly infatuated with their situationship, who tries not to say “I love you” every time their partner walks out the door and who never shuts up about their situationship to their friends — don’t do what you want to do.
Don’t come up with a gift that has a ton of sentimental value — you’re coming on too strong, just as you feared. Your situationship is avoidant, and you are anxious.
What you really want to do is get them an experience gift. That experience is therapy. Leave them and send them to a therapy session.
And for the person who is oblivious — or denies — that the other side of their situationship wants to date them, you have a couple options.
You could buy them something terrible — I mean something so terrible they should want to stop seeing you. They won’t listen to the blaring red flag, I promise, but get them something without value to obsess over. They will think about any sort of sentimental meaning behind gifts for weeks. To be honest, maybe you should just not get them anything at all.
OR, you could get them something perfect. This is a miracle situation because this would have to mean that you found love for them somewhere in your cold, noncommittal heart. Congrats, I hope to get an invite to your wedding.
2. Roommate you don’t speak to
Box of post-it notes, each one with a different thing you dislike about them/living with them. Below are some examples (from experience):
- You shit your pants too much
- You sleep with banana peels in your bed with you
- You steal my clothes
- You have never bought toilet paper
Why not continue the no-talk streak? This way you can passive aggressively call out your shitty roommate.
3. Hot TA
Envelope labeled “important documents.” Inside that, a smaller envelope. Inside that, a piece of paper. On the paper, a link to a Google Doc. On the Google Doc, a collage of 75 of your sexiest, most thirst trap pictures. No money spent. It’s a win-win.
4. Landlord
A big fat “Fuck you.” This could take many forms:
- 300 maintenance requests submitted all at once
- Stop paying rent (they won’t actually evict you)
- Steal your own packages and gaslight them into thinking their security is really bad
- Fill their office with 400 balloons
- Fish in air vent
5. Yourself
Vibrator. Everyone deserves an orgasm. Period.
6. Your boss
Buy your boss a $3 lottery ticket. They probably aren’t paying you enough, so why should you spend any of your hard-earned money on them?
To be nice to them, give them hope that they could win some actual money from your gift. Hopefully they don’t because you deserved that shit. But if they get $10, maybe they’ll give you a little extra bonus in the New Year!
7. Your best friend who already owns everything under the Sun
Liquor. Hard liquor. If you’re of age, of course. If you’re not, get them some coloring books or something.
8. Your significant other’s parents
Liquor. Hard liquor. That’s what they’re going to need after spending time with you over the holidays.
9. White elephant or secret Santa
Everyone wants the best gift during a white elephant exchange — including you. Get whatever you need around the house so everyone passes on it, and you get to take that home instead of some weird pair of socks.
For secret Santa, it depends on if you like the person you got. If not, they’ll never know it was you if you buy them a gift card to Chili’s with the wrong amount written on the back. If you like them, get them something amazing and tell them it was you after the fact.
10. Your mom
Wrap me up and put me under the tree, baby. Or like a handwritten letter in a frame saying how much you love her could be cute.
