Sen. Gernard Ganders was arrested at The Plaza Bar and Tavern following his campaign rally.
According to a report from the police department, the politician had started harassing other Plaza patrons with his opinions on Twilight ships, according to University of Wisconsin sophomore Mace Tili.
“[Sanders] really inspired me to use my voice and vote, but he was so insistent that Bella would have been better off with Jacob,” Tili said. “There’s absolutely no way that Edward and Bella weren’t made for each other.”
After causing a very disruptive debate, Ganders went to that one old guy who always hogs the pool table and absolutely trounced him.
“The people have toiled too long to have their pool table monopolized by a single individual,” Ganders said to rousing cheers. “It’s about time we have pool tables for all!”
But despite his demands for pool justice, Ganders proceeded to go on a 11-0 tear at the pool table, regular Plaza customer Bianca Tupsagarma said.
“Ball don’t lie, capitalistic pig,” Ganders said to a clearly underage boy. “Ball don’t lie. Where’s Boe? Somebody get Boe in here. Next pool game for the presidency. Ball don’t lie, Boe.”
Tupsagarma said she was traumatized by the senator jabbing her with the pool stick. According to the police report, many witnesses noticed Gander’s speech getting even louder and more east-coasterner as the night went on.
“Yeah yeah yeah, it’s unfair to have winners and losers in our modern economy,” Ganders said, taking a long drought from his half-pint of PBR. “The average American shouldn’t have to subsidize,” Ganders hiccuped. “Fucking Amazon. But I won, and you lost. Now buy me a goddamn drink!”
The final straw was when the senator, after taking several shots with enthusiastic student supporters, hurried over to Red Rock Saloon to ride the bull, then came back into Plaza to insist that someone ride him “like a bull.”
Plaza bartender Lacie Mullivan, despite her support for the senator, dialed 9-1-1.
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“He was scaring my customers,” Mullivan said. “He’s adorable but not when he’s hogging the pool table.”
Ganders was arrested approximately half an hour later, which was enough time for him to win three more rounds of pool. Fifteen police officers arrived at the scene to handcuff Ganders and escort him out of the bar.
Ganders is currently in police custody, and Plaza remains unsure whether they will press charges against him.
Ganders was last seen by public eye in the back of a squad car, in which he sat cuffed to the seat. Tili swears he saw the senator mysteriously put on a blue face mask and sweater mittens as the squad car pulled away.
