Sure, I may be unemployed. Sure, I may be a leech to society’s resources. And sure, maybe I’m dependent on my parents’ taxes. But, disregarding my lack of worth to society, I’m on the hunt for a delicious Moderna vaccine.

Considering you’re sitting here reading a banter article from the (world’s greatest) student newspaper, it’s likely you’re on the hunt as well. Here’s how you can help yourself get a sure-fire shot!

UW introduces new tear-based COVID-19 testUniversity of Wisconsin officials announced March 4 the campus would be transitioning away from saliva-based COVID-19 testing to tests completely Read…

Talk to the man under the bridge. Answer his riddles wisely. It may look like handing over a wad of cash in exchange for a mysterious needle, but this vaccine is in high demand and I’m in no position to be picky.

Loiter around your local pharmacy for hours on end. Walgreens loves when you do this. In fact, they love it so much, they’ll usually escort you out. A weird love language for sure, but who am I to judge? If you opt for this method of getting a luxurious Modern-dern or Pfizey vaccine, make sure you bring a duffle bag to carry all your overnight gear and keep your head down out of respect for our frontline workers.

Fake scrubs, real hospital. Hang out around your local hospital in some scrubs and hope for the best! For good measure, yell out a few lines from your favorite medical show to make your credentials seem more believable. Change a few bed pans, breeze through a few open heart surgeries and bada-bing bada-boom, you’re on a fast track to prison (and hopefully to receive the vaccine, too).

Breaking: Having empty coffee cup in front of you now stops the spread of COVID-19Disclaimer: This article is not based in fact. Please wear a mask and practice safe social distancing. New science suggests Read…

Herd it, baby. If all else fails, screw the vaccine. Keep leeching off your friends, family and lovers and just wait till they’re all vaccinated. They have jobs, they’re essential and therefore they’re essential to keeping you virus-free.

If you exclusively hang out with vaccinated people, that’s better than the Mo-darn shot itself! You get some R&R while your roommates go get the J&J. This one is almost foolproof.

Skip the agonizing hold line. Skip the “eligibility” requirements. You’ve read the facts. Go out. Get vaxxed.