University of Wisconsin officials announced March 4 the campus would be transitioning away from saliva-based COVID-19 testing to tests completely based on student tears. Officials said this would quicken the testing process and minimize wait times which have plagued testing this semester.
Early trials have shown the events of last year made tears easier to conjure up than saliva. Students involved in early evaluations of the new system said the process went much faster than previous iterations of the school’s testing scheme and doubled as a welcome release from the stresses of another pandemic-affected semester.
“The school forcing me to cry to go to class helps me get my tears out of the way,” junior Daniel Magnussen said. “I’m gonna cry about classes anyway, so folding my COVID testing and midterm-induced blubbering into one session gives me more time to sit in bed on my phone!”
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With shorter lines, the school announced their hopes students would spend their newfound surplus of time on schoolwork. Instead, students say they are more likely to spend time campaigning for one of Governor Evers’ new policy proposals.
“No, I have enough time to avoiding homework as is,” Natalie Russell said. “Instead, I’ve already dedicated my extra time to Tony’s weed legalization campaign. The tax revenue plan will be extremely effective in creating jobs, improving resources in underserved communities and helping bring change to the criminal justice system in Wisconsin.”
The school has installed speakers and TVs at testing sites to facilitate crying. They will play movies such as “Inside Out” (2015), “The Blind Side” (2009) and — for the TA’s and other old people — “The Notebook” (2004). Additionally, “Fix You” by Coldplay will be available for the squares and normies, while “Skinny Love” by Bon Iver will be available for the musically and emotionally developed.
Another tear secretion tool? Each test site can show deep-fake videos graciously curated by computer science majors working at the locations (what else do they have to do with their time anyway?).
If students show them a picture of a relative or public figure, the CS craftsmen can instantly create a video of the person saying anything which might induce tears. I mean, if Tom Hanks said he was immensely disappointed in my lack of academic success, I’m sure I would start bawling.
While the new testing system will require some tweaks, students seem to be excited about a new type of test.
“I was getting pretty dehydrated from all the saliva tests, so switching to another bodily fluid is great,” Christian Hamilton said. “Here’s hoping blood comes next!”